MORE ON KENNY POWERS THE PIG ETC
Kenny Powers the pig has really started taking after me in all manners of life. Not only does he like looking on the internet frequently when I have it open on the computer, but he has also begun spending around 20-25 minutes a day looking out the window and thinking about life, love and the universe. Which is what I tend to do. It makes my heart swell to know that he is learning life lessons from me and I feel that I am not only a good role model to him day by day, but also probably someone who he considers a 'father figure'. This is hugely important in M.H.O (my humble opinion) seeing Kenny Powers was an orphan piglet. I probably now consider him my best friend and often wonder how my future bride will feel when I tell her that at our wedding Kenny Powers the pig will stand beside me in the church as we take our vows. I think he would look excellent in a suit jacket, top hat and cumberbun and I know he would, unlike some animals who hate wearing human clothes, feel totally at ease up there on the podium looking dapper. Especially if i could also somehow train him to wear a monocle. But that is a challenge for another day.
And of course, as usual, I am getting ahead of myself, I don't even have a girlfriend anymore, let alone someone who will marry an unemployed musician who is trying to win a Guinness World Record with a pig. But there is always hope in this crazy world we live in. And you have to hold on to hope. Or you may as well be dead. But if you are really rich, you are not required to hold on to hope as much, or as often, as money will buy you a lot of the crud that you would probably had only hoped for when you were poor.
I have a sinking and strange feeling that I am either a) really started starting to lose my mind properly this time or b) am slowly but surely somehow magically syncing up telepathically with Kenny Powers the pig. The thought of this may seem slightly far fetched, but when you think about it in context we have now spent almost every waking moment together since I picked him up from the post office and I would essentially say that he and I know each other probably as well as pig and man could. And as far as I know, it is not unheard of to telepathically be connected to someone when you spend extended periods of time together, eg Tony and Barry Chesterman, the identical twins from my boarding school.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
My Brother etc.
I often think of my little brother when I am travelling. Hoping he is getting on ok. There is an age gap between us of 13 years. I am 28, he is 15. He was born the day that Kurt Cobain died. Everyone was running around school emotional and yelling 'KURT's DEADDDDDD! ARGGGGGHHHH' . And listening to Nirvana really painfully loud in the boarding house.
Even the housemasters weren't telling us to turn it down.
I was as much of a fan as everyone else, if not more. But still i kept yelling out 'SHUT IT! I have a brother!'
It sure was a sad and grand day all in one though. My mum sent me a photo of him in the post. He looked like a boiled chicken. But is now a striking young man.
Anyway we just discovered that we are both capable of chatting to each other on the computer.
Ben: 'Hey homo how is it going?'
me: 'Good thanks gaylord. What going on in that shithole freezing NZ winter?
'Just doing a homo assignment on terrorism'
'Cool.'
'Seeya'
'Later'
Even the housemasters weren't telling us to turn it down.
I was as much of a fan as everyone else, if not more. But still i kept yelling out 'SHUT IT! I have a brother!'
It sure was a sad and grand day all in one though. My mum sent me a photo of him in the post. He looked like a boiled chicken. But is now a striking young man.
Anyway we just discovered that we are both capable of chatting to each other on the computer.
Ben: 'Hey homo how is it going?'
me: 'Good thanks gaylord. What going on in that shithole freezing NZ winter?
'Just doing a homo assignment on terrorism'
'Cool.'
'Seeya'
'Later'
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Tsunami Warning
I had been back in Berlin for two days lying around in bed relaxing, listening to Serge Gainsbourg, and researching Minotaurs on the internet when there was another tsunami warning back in New Zealand. I didn't really know how to take it as usually when New Zealand receives a tsunami warning our local beach at Mission Bay, Auckland (New Zealand, The World, The Solar System, The Milky Way, beyond the Milky Way, The Greater Cosmos The Universe, Infinity) will get a 20cm wave headed towards it at a rate of around 1 knot per decade. Everyone is encouraged to stay very clear of boats and beaches alike, just on the off chance one day there actually will be a real tsunami; one that could bestow destruction etc on Auckland City. Either way, I was in Europe and how the hell was I going to be able to tell when and what was going to happen. Naturally I wanted my family to be safe so I emailed my brother and told him to get the hell away from the coast or I would kill him.
He emailed back saying
'You are not the boss of me fatty. P.S. Don't forget to bring me back some DVDs from Berlin and don't forget that I have now got the big room so when you come back to stay you have to go in the little room, but there is a tv in there and you can use my old nintendo Game cube. I have sold most of the games on Trademe but Tiger Woods golf is still there. By the way, I will beat you at that game any day of the week. And also Mum said to tell you that we are well away from the coast but between you and I, I am thinking about sneaking out of the house and then texting her to say 'Hey, just gone down to Mission Bay to play hackey with some mates, be home later'. She would go ballistic and I could sneak back inside and film it on my phone and put it on youtube under 'Tsunami Warning turns old woman into crazed maniac'. See ya. P.P.S How is that pig of yours? Does it take a shit inside or what? Mum said that you are not allowed to keep it in the house and has been looking into farm stays for you to keep it at. I don't really care either way, except if it does a shit in my room, then I will be pissed off and probably kick it in the guts. Seeya
I am pretty proud to say that my brother is actually turning into a pretty funny kid, and I had a good feeling about coming home for the summer as to the amount of pranks we could play on my mum. Life was good.
I then also emailed my crazed fanatical accountant friend Gza to tell him to go and get an ice cream at Movenpick in Mission Bay because of the impending wave, as this would be his best chance at an 'easy way out'. I was referring to an easy way out of life, as he has been talking about wanting to die since the late 90's/ early millenium period when he was working at Kelly Tarlton's Underwater World as the penguin cleaner.
He agreed via email that this tsunami was in fact the perfect opportunity to be relieved from life but that he wanted to 'go out on a high' and decided the best way to do it would be to get a machine gun and head to the beach to 'shoot bullets at the wave' with a strategy of:
a) holding the gun in one arm like rambo
b) yelling out 'You call this a storm?' at God or whomever had sent the tsunami
c) clad in camouflage undergarments and his girlfriend Anna's house slippers
d) having a back up Samarai Sword to swing towards the wave at the final seconds in case the automatic mechanism on the gun jammed due to salt in the air
The picture he painted in my head made me smile internally, as the thought of Gza swinging a Samarai sword in his undies at an impending monster wave at a deserted yet picturesque inner city beach really was a scenario that dreams were made of.
On the off chance that a catastrophic sized tsunami was avoided and the usual 20cm piddler was on its way, this picture was just as good, If not better. As I visualised the moment where he realised that the tsunami had already hit, and the look of defeat on his face as he packed up his weapons to walk back to the car, put them in the back, and go back to work. Which would no doubt involve some form of excel spreadsheets on Profit and Loss and/or quarterly reports. It really was win win to be honest. Well for me anyway.
He emailed back saying
'You are not the boss of me fatty. P.S. Don't forget to bring me back some DVDs from Berlin and don't forget that I have now got the big room so when you come back to stay you have to go in the little room, but there is a tv in there and you can use my old nintendo Game cube. I have sold most of the games on Trademe but Tiger Woods golf is still there. By the way, I will beat you at that game any day of the week. And also Mum said to tell you that we are well away from the coast but between you and I, I am thinking about sneaking out of the house and then texting her to say 'Hey, just gone down to Mission Bay to play hackey with some mates, be home later'. She would go ballistic and I could sneak back inside and film it on my phone and put it on youtube under 'Tsunami Warning turns old woman into crazed maniac'. See ya. P.P.S How is that pig of yours? Does it take a shit inside or what? Mum said that you are not allowed to keep it in the house and has been looking into farm stays for you to keep it at. I don't really care either way, except if it does a shit in my room, then I will be pissed off and probably kick it in the guts. Seeya
I am pretty proud to say that my brother is actually turning into a pretty funny kid, and I had a good feeling about coming home for the summer as to the amount of pranks we could play on my mum. Life was good.
I then also emailed my crazed fanatical accountant friend Gza to tell him to go and get an ice cream at Movenpick in Mission Bay because of the impending wave, as this would be his best chance at an 'easy way out'. I was referring to an easy way out of life, as he has been talking about wanting to die since the late 90's/ early millenium period when he was working at Kelly Tarlton's Underwater World as the penguin cleaner.
He agreed via email that this tsunami was in fact the perfect opportunity to be relieved from life but that he wanted to 'go out on a high' and decided the best way to do it would be to get a machine gun and head to the beach to 'shoot bullets at the wave' with a strategy of:
a) holding the gun in one arm like rambo
b) yelling out 'You call this a storm?' at God or whomever had sent the tsunami
c) clad in camouflage undergarments and his girlfriend Anna's house slippers
d) having a back up Samarai Sword to swing towards the wave at the final seconds in case the automatic mechanism on the gun jammed due to salt in the air
The picture he painted in my head made me smile internally, as the thought of Gza swinging a Samarai sword in his undies at an impending monster wave at a deserted yet picturesque inner city beach really was a scenario that dreams were made of.
On the off chance that a catastrophic sized tsunami was avoided and the usual 20cm piddler was on its way, this picture was just as good, If not better. As I visualised the moment where he realised that the tsunami had already hit, and the look of defeat on his face as he packed up his weapons to walk back to the car, put them in the back, and go back to work. Which would no doubt involve some form of excel spreadsheets on Profit and Loss and/or quarterly reports. It really was win win to be honest. Well for me anyway.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Paris then HOME
We had finished our London shows and toasted the night several times with friends and allies who lived there amongst the sprawling boroughs and rows of identical houses. The shows we played were nothing to write home about (not that I ever wrote home as my parents think of me as emotionally self sufficient and I am pretty much banished from all family trips), but the shows were essentially pretty lame. The pay was crap, the turnout was poor and I personally felt we had overstayed our welcome in what we collectively considered to be the most soul sucking city on the planet. It wasn't that our guests wanted us out, on the contrary, but the way we had been living on tour with a ten Euro a day budget each and the reliance on hospitality from venues and club promotors to make 3 meals a day happen, didn't really fit with the sinister and unwelcoming London music scene we were only semi involved with. Basically every promoter and venue owner in London can go jump in the lake and hang round treading water until they get eaten by a massive sea monster for all I care. Except Tim from the Brixton Windmill, who was really nice, and reminded me of some kind of IRA freedom fighter with rotten teeth and thick black rimmed glasses that made his eyes seem unsettlingly large. The Brixton Windmill also had a flat roof, on which lived a giant Rottweiler called Roofdog who would pace up and down and look at you while you were outside smoking and, I can only assume, was there to ward off bad humans and burglars alike after midnight. Roofdog and Tim were solid but everyone else to do with music in London can get two fingers up the butt from a giant as far as I am concerned.
After playing tuesday, wednesday and thursday night we woke early on a grey friday morning and got into Jim The Eagle our trusty van to head towards Paris. Most of the guys had not been before, and even though Rob, Sam and I had, we were pretty excited to get back there because there is lots to look forward to like baguettes and babes and historical crud.
The band were going to stay one night and drive back to Berlin the next day while I was going to stay on for a few more and fly home on the Tuesday by myself. I thought it was a good chance to get the hell away from my band for about two seconds and also the idea of taking in some culture to soak up didn't totally make me want to puke when it was in reference to Paris, which I think is the most beautiful city in the world. Well, that I have visited anyway.
On the drive down after we had caught the ferry from Dover to Bolougne I had a quick round of 'What's In My Pie?' with Sam and Reyahn - this time it was a rhinoceros and a sleeping bag - but then I went back to mucking round on my computer. I was busy concocting a list of things I could still do with my life if I got struck by lightning and went blind and deaf at exactly the same time. Part of me is always wary of this happening, and I feel it is sensible to have a list stored somewhere so that I don't spend a long time wallowing about it, but can get straight back on with my life if it were to happen.
I got quite far and in little over an hour had a list of around forty things. I was keen to get up to 52 initially so I had one thing a week to do already preplanned for the first year I was without sight and hearing. Some of the highlights were:
a)Stand at pedestrian crossings and hold my finger underneath the blind persons pole to get the electric shock that tells you to cross
b) Be a waiter at the restaurant in Berlin which is totally pitch black and has blind people as waiters. Actually, I just realised that I probably would not be very good at that if I was deaf to be honest. I will take that off the list.
c) Go bike riding in a big empty field
d) Go motor bike riding in a big empty field
e) Do pressups, situps and other fitness
f) Have sex with anyone I want without ever feeling like I am not physically attracted to them
g) Sit around in women's sections of changing rooms or saunas without ever having to feel like I am perving on them or eavesdropping on their conversation
Anyway, that is just the tip of the iceberg. I was probably better off making a list of the things i COULD'NT do, as it would be much smaller.
Listening to music and looking out the window would have to be added to the list, and I would no doubt have to hire someone to help me look after Kenny Powers the pig and complete his training to go for the Guinness World book of records record. That would be hugely disappointing. Anyway, I don't like thinking about what I could'nt do if I was made blind and deaf by lightning as it is a real downer, so I will continue to focus on the list of things I could do, because as far as I see it, the glass is still half full. When in Rome. I was happy where the list was at by the time we rolled in to the outer suburbs of Paris, they were dirtier than I remember but I didn't really give a flying crap as the sun was out and the rest of the band were busy looking out the windows so I didn't have to listen to a bunch of senseless yabbering. I was glad not to be in charge of driving the tour van because French drivers are ferocious and there seems to be no lanes on any of the roundabouts. Sam was driving who is pretty much blind, Paris is pretty much the most dangerous city in Europe to drive in, it was an amazing combination. I didn't really care, I have been ready to get taken out in traffic since I was 15. I was resigned to the fact I would die being hit by a bus or something of the like. So I just didn't care, I was in Paris, home of baguettes and chocolate stuffed croissants.
There is essentially nowhere in the world that I have ever seen which is as good looking as Paris and combining that with the amount of absolute crack pot crazy homeless people walking around yelling out crud, you have got a pretty good mix of the best elements that a city should have. It always warms my heart when I look around to see a bunch of people who are lot further down the crazy path than I am because As far as I know, I have been losing my mind for just over a decade.
After playing tuesday, wednesday and thursday night we woke early on a grey friday morning and got into Jim The Eagle our trusty van to head towards Paris. Most of the guys had not been before, and even though Rob, Sam and I had, we were pretty excited to get back there because there is lots to look forward to like baguettes and babes and historical crud.
The band were going to stay one night and drive back to Berlin the next day while I was going to stay on for a few more and fly home on the Tuesday by myself. I thought it was a good chance to get the hell away from my band for about two seconds and also the idea of taking in some culture to soak up didn't totally make me want to puke when it was in reference to Paris, which I think is the most beautiful city in the world. Well, that I have visited anyway.
On the drive down after we had caught the ferry from Dover to Bolougne I had a quick round of 'What's In My Pie?' with Sam and Reyahn - this time it was a rhinoceros and a sleeping bag - but then I went back to mucking round on my computer. I was busy concocting a list of things I could still do with my life if I got struck by lightning and went blind and deaf at exactly the same time. Part of me is always wary of this happening, and I feel it is sensible to have a list stored somewhere so that I don't spend a long time wallowing about it, but can get straight back on with my life if it were to happen.
I got quite far and in little over an hour had a list of around forty things. I was keen to get up to 52 initially so I had one thing a week to do already preplanned for the first year I was without sight and hearing. Some of the highlights were:
a)Stand at pedestrian crossings and hold my finger underneath the blind persons pole to get the electric shock that tells you to cross
b) Be a waiter at the restaurant in Berlin which is totally pitch black and has blind people as waiters. Actually, I just realised that I probably would not be very good at that if I was deaf to be honest. I will take that off the list.
c) Go bike riding in a big empty field
d) Go motor bike riding in a big empty field
e) Do pressups, situps and other fitness
f) Have sex with anyone I want without ever feeling like I am not physically attracted to them
g) Sit around in women's sections of changing rooms or saunas without ever having to feel like I am perving on them or eavesdropping on their conversation
Anyway, that is just the tip of the iceberg. I was probably better off making a list of the things i COULD'NT do, as it would be much smaller.
Listening to music and looking out the window would have to be added to the list, and I would no doubt have to hire someone to help me look after Kenny Powers the pig and complete his training to go for the Guinness World book of records record. That would be hugely disappointing. Anyway, I don't like thinking about what I could'nt do if I was made blind and deaf by lightning as it is a real downer, so I will continue to focus on the list of things I could do, because as far as I see it, the glass is still half full. When in Rome. I was happy where the list was at by the time we rolled in to the outer suburbs of Paris, they were dirtier than I remember but I didn't really give a flying crap as the sun was out and the rest of the band were busy looking out the windows so I didn't have to listen to a bunch of senseless yabbering. I was glad not to be in charge of driving the tour van because French drivers are ferocious and there seems to be no lanes on any of the roundabouts. Sam was driving who is pretty much blind, Paris is pretty much the most dangerous city in Europe to drive in, it was an amazing combination. I didn't really care, I have been ready to get taken out in traffic since I was 15. I was resigned to the fact I would die being hit by a bus or something of the like. So I just didn't care, I was in Paris, home of baguettes and chocolate stuffed croissants.
There is essentially nowhere in the world that I have ever seen which is as good looking as Paris and combining that with the amount of absolute crack pot crazy homeless people walking around yelling out crud, you have got a pretty good mix of the best elements that a city should have. It always warms my heart when I look around to see a bunch of people who are lot further down the crazy path than I am because As far as I know, I have been losing my mind for just over a decade.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Kenny Powers (the pig)
Kenny Powers has not been eating that much that stupid pig. He is possibly homesick, which is quite understandable. But anyway he needs to get his strength up that idiot. I have stopped eating bacon lately out of respect to him, so the least he can do is eat his nutri grains and normal grains and also his carbo shots that i put in his water bowl. Maybe he has growing pains. He has grown a lot even in the last two weeks. He seems pretty happy when we walk around Berlin and hang round in the park, however it has been hard finding anyone else with a pig that we can make friends with. I now know what it is like for people with kids who try and make friends with other people with kids, except it is even harder with a pig. I am considering taking us out to the country on the train to find an area with more pigs around.
Felix and Sam's moving business is pretty much taking off so that is pretty good. Pretty soon they will need to get an office and maybe even t-shirts made up. I have still yet to be offered to take on a moving job for them. But I am not pissed off or anything. In fact I am pretty happy just cruising around with Kenny Powers for now. I hope he doesn't grow so big that he will not fit in the basket on the back of Trent (my awesome bike).
When we are cruising the streets together like partners in crime I often daydream about how if I was rich I would buy a motorbike with a sidecar and cruise round the town with Kenny Powers sitting beside me wearing a leather pilots hats and sweet goggles. Pretty sure I would be 10 out of 10 irresistable to any babe that made eye contact with me or KP. I then wonder if KP is thinking something along similar lines.
Today we had to return some camera equipment back to a hire place about 5km away. It was part of my job for the day working as a runner on a fashion shoot. It was actually one of the only things I did except eat bagels and drink cokes. I also looked out the window quite a bit, which I am getting more and more addicted to.
Anyway, the lady who had hired this crap, I believe it was a silver reflective thing which you shine on the subject of the photo, gave me directions to the hire place. Just when I thought it was going to be pretty simple to find and I had my head around my route she said 'You can't miss it.'
YOU. CAN'T. MISS. IT. Can't I? Are you absolutely sure on this? NO. You CAN miss it.
She may as well have hexed the directions with 'May Satan speed you towards an unknown destination blind through the black night on a dark steed of doom.'
Because as soon as someone ends directions with 'You can't miss it' there is usually some characteristic about this destination that will make you miss it. And nine times out of ten you WILL miss it. And then have to turn back around, or stop, and call the idiot who told you you can't miss it and then talk about landmarks and if you have passed a certain T junction in the road or whatever.
Well guess what?
I missed it. Luckily I was prepared for this and had written down the address on my arm previously. I went in to a shop and the woman behind the counter knew where it was. And as I didn't understand all the dynamics of their German, even if they had tried to say 'You can't miss it' i was protected by the curse from not understanding that particular phrase in German.
However, I did cast my own curse on the lady who had sent me on my errand. And her future bloodline. After we dropped it off I didn't even return back to work. Me and Kenny decided to go hang out down by the river and just chill, as it was a nice evening.
Felix and Sam's moving business is pretty much taking off so that is pretty good. Pretty soon they will need to get an office and maybe even t-shirts made up. I have still yet to be offered to take on a moving job for them. But I am not pissed off or anything. In fact I am pretty happy just cruising around with Kenny Powers for now. I hope he doesn't grow so big that he will not fit in the basket on the back of Trent (my awesome bike).
When we are cruising the streets together like partners in crime I often daydream about how if I was rich I would buy a motorbike with a sidecar and cruise round the town with Kenny Powers sitting beside me wearing a leather pilots hats and sweet goggles. Pretty sure I would be 10 out of 10 irresistable to any babe that made eye contact with me or KP. I then wonder if KP is thinking something along similar lines.
Today we had to return some camera equipment back to a hire place about 5km away. It was part of my job for the day working as a runner on a fashion shoot. It was actually one of the only things I did except eat bagels and drink cokes. I also looked out the window quite a bit, which I am getting more and more addicted to.
Anyway, the lady who had hired this crap, I believe it was a silver reflective thing which you shine on the subject of the photo, gave me directions to the hire place. Just when I thought it was going to be pretty simple to find and I had my head around my route she said 'You can't miss it.'
YOU. CAN'T. MISS. IT. Can't I? Are you absolutely sure on this? NO. You CAN miss it.
She may as well have hexed the directions with 'May Satan speed you towards an unknown destination blind through the black night on a dark steed of doom.'
Because as soon as someone ends directions with 'You can't miss it' there is usually some characteristic about this destination that will make you miss it. And nine times out of ten you WILL miss it. And then have to turn back around, or stop, and call the idiot who told you you can't miss it and then talk about landmarks and if you have passed a certain T junction in the road or whatever.
Well guess what?
I missed it. Luckily I was prepared for this and had written down the address on my arm previously. I went in to a shop and the woman behind the counter knew where it was. And as I didn't understand all the dynamics of their German, even if they had tried to say 'You can't miss it' i was protected by the curse from not understanding that particular phrase in German.
However, I did cast my own curse on the lady who had sent me on my errand. And her future bloodline. After we dropped it off I didn't even return back to work. Me and Kenny decided to go hang out down by the river and just chill, as it was a nice evening.
Friday, August 28, 2009
I'm Seriously Thinking Of Getting A Pig.
Hi Kenny Powers (and others)
I have recently gained information that David Hasselhoff's popularity
in Germany is grossly overexaggerated.I found this slightly depressing
but I am not dwelling on it. I think I was made to feel better when my
friend borrowed a book from another friend and found a picture of
David Hasselhoff in his underwear as a bookmark. If that is not the
sign of popularity then I don't know what is. I stared at the bookmark
for a little while as he has wonderfully shaped thighs.
Anyway what news... some news, I went out for an evening the other
night in a different part of town
and by the time I had finished dinner with some German people I hardly
knew or liked I was pretty exhausted and decided on some 'me' time. I
didn't want to have to be purposefully nice to someone, or pretend I
was having a good time. All I wanted to do was get into my 'chill
zone'.
I went home immedietly and stopped via Gorlitzer park to buy some weed
off the radical and friendliest drug dealers you have ever met in your
life. That made me feel like I was their friend, however I have not
seen them since to be able to tell whether they are actually my
friends or not.
I got home, smoked the weed, got bored and decided to do something
productive. As I hadn't contacted my friend Jiz in a while I thought I
would be able to trick him into thinking I would only be contacting
him for something very important.
I wrote him an email with URGENT as the subject heading, with lots of
exclamation marks, which he hates.
In the text body I wrote: you're a gay.
I knew it would be effective.
he emailed back:
That was awesome - I've had a headache for about 5 days and suddenly it
left cause I thought something rad had happended. Eg a bomb went off in
Europe and I had 30 seconds to live
James Martin
Finance Manager
School of Medical Sciences
School of Pharmacy
The University of Auckland
Phone: xx xxxxx
Ext: xx xxxx
That was one of the highlights of the past month or so.
I have also been having a lot of trouble lately trying to remember
which relatives of mine are dead or not. I have real trouble with
Great Aunts and Uncles. When I was writing to my Poppa the other day I
had to leave out the sentence 'How is Uncle Jimmy?' because I am
pretty sure he is dead, but I am too embarrassed to ask anyone.
Actually my cousin Nina would tell me, I will ask her. I would ask my
brother but the conversation would probably go like this. R stands for
me
R: 'Hi it's me.'
'Hi'
R: 'What are you doing?'
'Nothing.'
R: 'Oh yeah. Is Uncle Jimmy alive or dead?'
'Who is Uncle Jimmy?'
R: 'Our great uncle. poppa's brother.'
'Is he the one with the stump from cutting off his finger with a chainsaw?'
R: 'No, that is Euan. Who is on the other side of the family and is
not actually even in the family but just hangs round so he can play
croquet.'
'Well who is Uncle Jimmy?'
R: 'He is the one who gives you a meat pie if you go and visit him.'
'I think he must be dead because I don't ever remember getting given a
meat pie by any old people.'
R: 'Ok well, i am not going to risk it just because you can't remember
getting a meat pie from someone. Thanks for your help thou.'
'That's ok. When are you coming home from Belgium or whatever?'
R: 'Berlin. In November.'
'Well I have taken over your old room at home, so you cant stay in there.'
R: 'ok'
'Also, bring me some DVDs if you can.'
R: 'Yeah ok.'
'Ok seeya.'
R: 'Bye'
Anyway, I am pretty sure he is dead. Which is sad. As he was (is) pretty cool.
Also, I have been thinking a lot about family, mainly the fact that so
many people have an Aunty Sue. Please let me know if you have an Aunty
Sue, please reply, it is important to me.
I was once in a room with around 11 people and of those 11, 9 people
either had an Aunty Sue or their mother was called Sue. So, all i can
say is that if you don't have an Aunty you are the exception, not the
norm.
It was pretty good the other day when I asked Sam and Felix where they
were going as they left the house and they said
'Going to move a coffin.'
I said 'Oh yeah'
I was a bit thrown off and forgot to ask them to get me a spinach
thing from the bakery. Which did not bode well for later when I was
starved. But the main thing is that they now have income, and possible
ongoing work. So they can afford to stay in Berlin. I also have
ongoing work. However not moving coffins per say.
Sam put an advert on a website saying we had a van and people to help
move crap around the city. The response was immense. Musical equipment
to be moved here, a coffin to be moved there, I almost suggested that
they get some business cards made up, however, don't want to jinx a
project in it's infancy.
On one side of the coin it was surprising for Sam and Lix to arrive to
picking up a coffin, on the other it would be quite a surprise for
someone who calls up an advertised number for moving people-and lo and
behold i bet they never guessed the two 'movers' turn out to be a 6
foot lanky guy wearing a beret and looking like he could be a dior
homme model, and a five foot eight part asian classical violinist in a
velvet jacket. hmmm. now whats weird about that again?
In other news I think Felix, AKA Lix 'Lickety Splitz' Lun may have
found a potential guitarist for Star Control, his power metal side
project band. But I dont have any further details. I do have details
on what not to do if you are booking gigs in France thou. Basically if
you ever trying to book shows in France and you get given someone's
email address whose name is Pascal, do not immedietly assume that they
are a girl, and definately dont say something like 'hope you ladies
can help us!'
Because you will most probably get a reply like this:
hi Reuben,
You are way too late to find shows in September over here
By the way, I am not a lady.
take care, Pascal
I wanted to respond by saying, and I quote
Dear Pascal, thanks for nothing. Yours Sincerely, R.P Bonner
p.s In New Zealand there are no guys called Pascal, are you sure you
don't have your wires crossed? Maybe you are spelling it wrong?
p.p.s Are there any shows available in October on the off chance?
Anyway, what are the odds that Sam and Felix's first job in Berlin is
to move a coffin. i find that so humourous. However I also find the
drinking game September 11 pretty good while some people are likely
get offended, which I guess is fair enough. But, some people sure do
take things pretty seriously. Sometimes you have to try and lighten
the mood. That is why cops on murder scenes use what is referred to as
'black humour'. Doctor's also do this. Everyone learns that at school
anyway.
I may as well tell you about September 11th as it is a pretty good
game if you have had a few drinks and you just want to 'chill out'.
Essentially the object of the game is to rescue the Ginger, or whoever
else, is stuck in the twin towers.
Rules of the game
1. Shirts off, no exceptions
2. Get the Ginger (or whoever, but much better with the Ginger) to lie
on the ground.
3. Get every bit of furniture or thing in the room that can be moved
(including potplants, CDs, chairs, firewood, metal etc) and put it on
top of the Ginger
4. Go into the other room and have a shot of whiskey or something
5. Get someone to stand by the stereo and put on The Rising by Bruce
Springstein. Other Springstein songs are accepted but it must be
Springstein or dont even bother playing the game in the first place.
6. When the music starts assume the role of the NYC Fire Department
and come in to the lounge from the other room
7. Get that Ginger out of there at all costs. A.A.C (At All Costs)
8. Once he is out everyone embraces. The best thing then is to keep
the mood light by doing something classic like betting the Ginger that
he cant squeeze himself into the fridge.and then when he takes the
bait and actually squeezes in there, close the door and spin the
fridge around so the door is jammed up against the wall. This will
teach the Ginger a lesson for being a cheeky little Ginger.
9. Muck around for a couple more hours and then do another round of Sept 11th.
Anyway, when in Rome.
I have still not really done much sightseeing in Berlin. Sightseeing
to me has never been a huge interest. Except for the time I went to
the Eiffel Tower and sat at the bottom and smoked with Joe Gallagher
while my other friends climbed to the top for the view. I like views,
but find them to usually get boring after about 45 seconds, and then
everyone stands around the place where the view is saying 'wow isn't
the view amazing.' I agree for the first 45 seconds. But then when
people say it after about three minutes I never nod or agree because
by that stage I am pretty bored and don't want to encourage anyone.
Also, I especially don't like the awkward part where everyone is
actually ready to leave the view but nobody wants to be the first to
say anything, because then they are the person perceived as the one to
like the view or 'nature' or whatever, the least.
A good idea to compensate this is to take some food to eat at the
view, this way, you can leave once your food is finished and there is
no question as to whether or not you haven taken in enough 'view'.
The view from the top of the Skytower in Auckland is interesting for
about 25 seconds, and I must say that the most interesting thing about
that tower is that when The Strokes came to Auckland they referred to
it as the 'space needle'. My irish friend Dave doesn't like The
Strokes but he hardly likes anything so I am not too bothered.
Another update:
I am still unemployed:
My ideal situation would be one days work per six weeks. But any more
would most probably be a pain in the neck as I am trying to enjoy
myself over here and I don't know how the hell I am supposed to do
that if I spend the whole time working. Anyway, at least I am looking
after myself via multivitamins and eating lots of fruit. In fact I am
going now to eat an apple and throw the core somewhere near the
construction workers and hope that forty or fifty wasps are attracted
to it and end up stinging the construction workers on places like the
lip, the ballbag and the ball of their hand/foot, which is essentially
the hardest place on your body to scratch an itch. And any kind of
sting after it stops hurting will always itch.
There is one construction worker I do like however. I refer to him as
'The Yodeller' or 'Yellow Singlet' this is essentially because he
yodels and also wears a yellow singlet. The other day I had been up
all night and came home pretty out-of-it, I cycled past the site on my
bike Trent and heard him yodelling. I stopped, applauded and as I
leaned against the fence I was delighted to see him puff his chest out
with pride and bellow some more. It was a good moment. The sun was
out, I was about to hit a wall after being awake for 36 hours and some
guy in a yellow singlet was yodelling at me from a construction site I
had put numerous voodoo witch curses on. It inspired me to stay awake
some more and I stumbled upstairs to my third story apartment to get a
towel so I could go swimming at Badeschiff.
Badeschiff is a public pool situated in the river Spree. Picture a
river with a pool sitting in the middle of it. And then build some
balconies, a bar, and a fake beach and then you have Badeschiff. There
are lots of hot babes, beer, and sausages there. The boys toilets reek
pretty bad of spilt urine I must say, but other than that, it's pretty
good. On approaching the pool and having the obligatory ice cold
shower for hygiene purposes I was told by the female, massively
overtanned lifeguard that unfortunately my swimming togs were not
suitable to enter. In my obnoxious state I argued with the woman for
around ten minutes. I wanted into that god damn water and after she
still didnt let me in when I told her i was the nephew of the German
Grand Chancellor I walked away very slowly with as much venom as I
could exude. Every few steps I would look back over my shoulder and
narrow my eyes at the woman hoping she would feel my gaze and it would
somehow coincidentally cause her a sprained ankle. As I mentally and
emotionally placed her at the very top of my kill list I went and got
changed into a tight pair of black undies which actually looked more
like swimming togs than my actual togs do. I think I have already
mentioned how bad the men's toilets smell, and this time was no
exception. After my quick change I returned incognito and snuck into
the water unbeknownst to the Tanned Pool Dragon. As I lurked around
the pool I realised I was leading a pretty fulfilling life at this
point in time. Part of it was because I was still kind of high but
part of it is also there is something pretty special to be said about
being submerged in tepid water while plotting someone's demise.
Especially someone as annoying as the Tanned Pool Dragon.
At one point I started imagining a hugely oversized rubber band that I
would put her in to be pulled back as far as it could go before
releasing her to be catapulted hundreds of metres away upstream into
the Spree with flailing arms and hysterical bellowing. While I was
having this thought I accidentally made eye contact with her and then
slowly slunk underwater and bounced along the bottom, just like a
hippopotamus, which is essentially, my favourite animal.
Anyway, we have decided to come home for the NZ summer to tour and
generally muck around. I am looking forward to it. We are doing lots
of cool things. If anyone has a spare room where they wouldnt mind a
helpful house guest for any period of time at all, please let me know.
I am not really too keen on moving in to a flat as I will only be home
for about four months. I am happy for any part of the country and
would love to hang round. Anyway, that is by the by.
I better go anyway, i am seriously going to kill the guy on the drill
at Ground Zero (the construction site which is around 8 metres from
where I sleep). That guy needs to seriously SHUT IT.
Love reuben
p.s I now play the drums on one of the new An Emerald City songs, and
I look pretty much exactly like Lars Ulrich from Metallica when I get
on there. My drummer name is Beats Powers, or sometimes Cowbell
Powers, but usually Beats Powers.
Friday, July 24, 2009
fighting off the pig alien from my mind.
Hello society of males of fe's.
I am writing to tell you that i have finished reading the BFG at
least. I had read it before when I was a kid about 5 times, but it is
nice to refresh. My favourite part is when the big giants chuck the
BFG around like a ball. It has inspired me to
a) write a book about giants
b) adopt an orphan (like the BFG does)
c) meet the Queen (like the BFG does)
d Have sex with the Queen
e) Have sex to a giant
I am now back in Berlin, and this email is old, but who gives a..
The.
Anyway, I got sidetracked. I arrived in Dubai ages ago. It is
seriously so flippen boiling here that I just about puked when i
walked out of the airport. And also it was at 10pm at night. Which is
not even the hottest time. I immedietly cursed the place and looked
around to try and find something classic to take my mind of the heat.
But there wasn't really anything, unless you count me muttering to
myself again. Which I have been doing quite a bit of lately. It is a
little bit like when I thought I was going crazy in 1998 and used to
tell my friends that I would go and live by the river and call myself
Old Man Bonner. I did quite a bit of muttering then actually.
Anyway, the heat. God. I am known to sweat quite a bit and have also
been referred to as 'The Sweat Pig' on a few occasions, well it was
this night that the prophecy really rang true. As I have a mutant face
with different coloured eyes, different sized nostrils and sweat
glands only working properly one one side, i usually tend to sweat on
one side of my face. Well not this time. I sweated pretty much
everywhere. By the way, Beads told me that odds are that I was a twin
in the womb and asorbed the other twin and that is why I have
different eyes and all that other crud. So, that is pretty much what I
have told everyone I have ever met who asks me about my eyes (or when
half my face goes red and half stays white when I play sports - which
is actually now never). Well when I told my eye doctor that story he
thought I was an idiot and told me that I actually have a syndrome.
But I have forgotten the name of it but it is something along the
lines of Butt-Pig eye syndrome or whatever.
Anyway, It was even too hot to smoke. But i still did, because I had
nothing to do an had already come outside and it was pretty boring.
Ra picked me up with her driver Shajeer. He has a rad Kenny Powers
haircut and very supple buttocks which suit his blue denims. But I
didn't actually figure this out that night because it was dark. I
figured it out one day when I was standing out on the road and he was
hanging round the van.
This is how i am trying to convince Felix AKA Lix Lun to grow his hair by the way
One morning I woke up in my undies only. And I was a bit freezing
because the blanket had been stolen off me. Also, my feet were
sticking over the edge of the bed and were touching a bunch of ratty
tatty power plugs which could have electrocuted me at any second. They
were the kind of plugs that any time you ever plugged something into
them you would see some form of blue spark. I have been electrocuted a
couple of times already. Once for taking a leak on an electric fence.
It had a pulse. Once Pounder was electrocuted at band practise because
of a faulty plug. We saw a blue spark shoot out the top of his head as
he threw his bass down and jumped on the bed. It was pretty funny.
Anyway, so I was awake, and in my undies and I cursed everyone in the
world because as I was thinking of my predicament and also how rubbish
my pillow was, the mosque next door started chanting through the
speakers and then a few dogs started barking. And then a loud
motorbike drove past. Pretty annoying.
At least I looked up on the wall and saw a photo of my Ra's friend
pashing her boyfriend down by the beach, and just beside that is a
photo of two dead seals hugging each other. Pretty poetic etc.
the
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9g92gdz-1g
This is one of the best scenes from one of my favourite movies ever.
Boyz In The Hood.
The reason why it is in my email because go to 3:47. The lane where
Ricky gets shot in this scene is exactly the same as the one by Ra's
house. So therefore tomorrow i am going out to get a gun or as they
call it in the hood 'getting tooled up'.
I am currently lying on Ra's friend Sophie's bed. I have not met her,
but it is quite comfortable and the sheet is very clean so I will not
complain.
Is it wrong for me to day dream about being this guy? Because I do.
Probably around 45-55 minutes a day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjvZOh4OzBs
In Dubai, you can pretty much get any flavour of Juice you want. And
since I have been here, I have been trying all the Juices.
Here is a list of the Juices i have tried and a rating beside them.
They are packet Juices unless I say the word 'fresh' in front of them.
Just in case you didnt know, Juice is one of the things in my life
that I love.
Guava. 7.5
(Fresh) Rockmelon. 8.8
(Fresh) Mango. 9.6. This juice was so good it made me want to yell out
'Shut Your Fucking Face this is unreal.' to the waiter.
Youngberry 9
Secrets of The Valley 7
Hanepoot Grape 5.2
Ruby Red Grapefruit 3 (booooo! too sour)
(Fresh) Kiwifruit 8.9
(Fresh) Orange Juice (i am not a big fan of the saying OJ) 9.0 (some
of the best fresh orange juice around i think)
Pomegranate and Lime 8.5
Full Fruit Medley 6.7
Peach 8.8
So FYI, that is 12 diferent types of juices in about 12 days. Not bad really.
Anyway my holiday consisted of drinking juice, mucking around, and
sometimes at night I would slink down to the ocean to swim, but it was
too hot to really enjoy it. I guess you could compare it to having a
cigarette that was rolled too tight and when you inhale you would get
some smoke, but not the hit in the back of your throat.
Well going into the water in Dubai was like walking into a bowl of
soup. Except there were no carrots or bits of pea etc. Well maybe
there were but because it was nightime I couldn't see them. Plus I was
thinking about sharks. I have since looked on the internet and there
are not really many to worry about. However in neighbouring Oman there
are quite a few Tiger Sharks.
I went to Oman for about two minutes. Actually two minutes. Not five.
About two. It was a visa thing, pretty boring to talk about but also
pretty classic that everyone in the governmental organisation knows
that people drive in from Dubai to get their passports stamped to be
able to drive straight back in. There is even a bus company that take
a bus to do this exact same thing. It essentially means you can stay
in Dubai for longer. Anyway, i just reread that last paragraph.Like I
said, pretty boring.
Speaking of pretty boring. The new Harry Potter film was more boring
than I thought it was gonna be. However it has set the last film up
pretty well. Could have done with seeing a bit of Voldemort.
At first I actually really liked it and then rang my 15 year old
brother and said I really liked it and he said 'Did you?' As if I was
a bit of an idiot.
I said 'Yeah. Didn't you?'
He said 'Well actually I thought it was more boring than I thought it
would be. Didnt really see Voldemort much. But the last film will be
pretty good.'
I said 'Yeah, that's also what I think.' But was lying, then I said
'Can you put mum back on?'
He said 'You've already talked to her. Speak to Montgomery'
He passed me onto Monty my stepdad, his dad. He calls him Montgomery,
and so do I sometimes.
Anyway, when I was talking to my mum before she asked me the usual
stuff, how i was going. How my relationship was surviving the long
distance. What the time was here. And of course, her usual 'piece de
resistance': who is doing what degree at university.
'Mum, all my friends have been finished at university for about five years.'
'Well what about Heath?'
'Yeah he finished ages ago.'
'Well what degree did he do?'
'A bachelor of human sacrifice.'
'Don't be stupid.'
'Yeah well shut it about needing to know what degree everyone in the
world has ever done.'
'Well noone ever tells me anything. Getting a bloody word out of your
brother is like getting bloody from a stone'
'Ok. Well Heath did law and now he is a lawyer in Wellington.'
'Is he going out with anyone?' That is another question she must
always know about any of my friends.
'Yes, he is engaged.'
'Who to?'
'Maria'
'Is she nice?'
'Yes, she is really nice.'
'Oh that's good. That's good. Do you think you'll marry Ra?'
'shut it mum.'
Anyway my mum started grilling me about not drinking in public in
Dubai because she had heard of some golf pro who was drinking in
public and ended up dead.
I didn't get the middle of the story or how he died as I was too busy
thinking about how my 15 year old brother had just totally smoked me
in Harry Potter lore and obviously got that movie way better than I
did.
I told my mum that I wouldnt be drinking outside. And then started
thinking how robbed I felt that Voldemort had not really featured in
that movie. And then I think my mum started asking 'How is the band
being received in Germany?'
I said 'pretty good.'
Anyway, Ra and me went swimming down at the beach just before. It was
about 5 in the evening and the water was pretty boiling but it was ok.
I think there were little bugs in the water trying to bite us. The
best bit was when she tried to do PDA on me and I karate chopped her.
If there were any Muslim people around frowning upon public affection
they would have approved of my karate chop had they seen it.
Then Ra touched a blue bottle and I think I did too, but I didnt see
it so it could have been an old condom or something. God willing.
Anyway, not much other crud to report. Am back in Berlin and me and
Felix are now sharing a room and also I just brought some chips that
taste like peanut butter but are heaps grosser
I am writing to tell you that i have finished reading the BFG at
least. I had read it before when I was a kid about 5 times, but it is
nice to refresh. My favourite part is when the big giants chuck the
BFG around like a ball. It has inspired me to
a) write a book about giants
b) adopt an orphan (like the BFG does)
c) meet the Queen (like the BFG does)
d Have sex with the Queen
e) Have sex to a giant
I am now back in Berlin, and this email is old, but who gives a..
The.
Anyway, I got sidetracked. I arrived in Dubai ages ago. It is
seriously so flippen boiling here that I just about puked when i
walked out of the airport. And also it was at 10pm at night. Which is
not even the hottest time. I immedietly cursed the place and looked
around to try and find something classic to take my mind of the heat.
But there wasn't really anything, unless you count me muttering to
myself again. Which I have been doing quite a bit of lately. It is a
little bit like when I thought I was going crazy in 1998 and used to
tell my friends that I would go and live by the river and call myself
Old Man Bonner. I did quite a bit of muttering then actually.
Anyway, the heat. God. I am known to sweat quite a bit and have also
been referred to as 'The Sweat Pig' on a few occasions, well it was
this night that the prophecy really rang true. As I have a mutant face
with different coloured eyes, different sized nostrils and sweat
glands only working properly one one side, i usually tend to sweat on
one side of my face. Well not this time. I sweated pretty much
everywhere. By the way, Beads told me that odds are that I was a twin
in the womb and asorbed the other twin and that is why I have
different eyes and all that other crud. So, that is pretty much what I
have told everyone I have ever met who asks me about my eyes (or when
half my face goes red and half stays white when I play sports - which
is actually now never). Well when I told my eye doctor that story he
thought I was an idiot and told me that I actually have a syndrome.
But I have forgotten the name of it but it is something along the
lines of Butt-Pig eye syndrome or whatever.
Anyway, It was even too hot to smoke. But i still did, because I had
nothing to do an had already come outside and it was pretty boring.
Ra picked me up with her driver Shajeer. He has a rad Kenny Powers
haircut and very supple buttocks which suit his blue denims. But I
didn't actually figure this out that night because it was dark. I
figured it out one day when I was standing out on the road and he was
hanging round the van.
This is how i am trying to convince Felix AKA Lix Lun to grow his hair by the way
One morning I woke up in my undies only. And I was a bit freezing
because the blanket had been stolen off me. Also, my feet were
sticking over the edge of the bed and were touching a bunch of ratty
tatty power plugs which could have electrocuted me at any second. They
were the kind of plugs that any time you ever plugged something into
them you would see some form of blue spark. I have been electrocuted a
couple of times already. Once for taking a leak on an electric fence.
It had a pulse. Once Pounder was electrocuted at band practise because
of a faulty plug. We saw a blue spark shoot out the top of his head as
he threw his bass down and jumped on the bed. It was pretty funny.
Anyway, so I was awake, and in my undies and I cursed everyone in the
world because as I was thinking of my predicament and also how rubbish
my pillow was, the mosque next door started chanting through the
speakers and then a few dogs started barking. And then a loud
motorbike drove past. Pretty annoying.
At least I looked up on the wall and saw a photo of my Ra's friend
pashing her boyfriend down by the beach, and just beside that is a
photo of two dead seals hugging each other. Pretty poetic etc.
the
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
This is one of the best scenes from one of my favourite movies ever.
Boyz In The Hood.
The reason why it is in my email because go to 3:47. The lane where
Ricky gets shot in this scene is exactly the same as the one by Ra's
house. So therefore tomorrow i am going out to get a gun or as they
call it in the hood 'getting tooled up'.
I am currently lying on Ra's friend Sophie's bed. I have not met her,
but it is quite comfortable and the sheet is very clean so I will not
complain.
Is it wrong for me to day dream about being this guy? Because I do.
Probably around 45-55 minutes a day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
In Dubai, you can pretty much get any flavour of Juice you want. And
since I have been here, I have been trying all the Juices.
Here is a list of the Juices i have tried and a rating beside them.
They are packet Juices unless I say the word 'fresh' in front of them.
Just in case you didnt know, Juice is one of the things in my life
that I love.
Guava. 7.5
(Fresh) Rockmelon. 8.8
(Fresh) Mango. 9.6. This juice was so good it made me want to yell out
'Shut Your Fucking Face this is unreal.' to the waiter.
Youngberry 9
Secrets of The Valley 7
Hanepoot Grape 5.2
Ruby Red Grapefruit 3 (booooo! too sour)
(Fresh) Kiwifruit 8.9
(Fresh) Orange Juice (i am not a big fan of the saying OJ) 9.0 (some
of the best fresh orange juice around i think)
Pomegranate and Lime 8.5
Full Fruit Medley 6.7
Peach 8.8
So FYI, that is 12 diferent types of juices in about 12 days. Not bad really.
Anyway my holiday consisted of drinking juice, mucking around, and
sometimes at night I would slink down to the ocean to swim, but it was
too hot to really enjoy it. I guess you could compare it to having a
cigarette that was rolled too tight and when you inhale you would get
some smoke, but not the hit in the back of your throat.
Well going into the water in Dubai was like walking into a bowl of
soup. Except there were no carrots or bits of pea etc. Well maybe
there were but because it was nightime I couldn't see them. Plus I was
thinking about sharks. I have since looked on the internet and there
are not really many to worry about. However in neighbouring Oman there
are quite a few Tiger Sharks.
I went to Oman for about two minutes. Actually two minutes. Not five.
About two. It was a visa thing, pretty boring to talk about but also
pretty classic that everyone in the governmental organisation knows
that people drive in from Dubai to get their passports stamped to be
able to drive straight back in. There is even a bus company that take
a bus to do this exact same thing. It essentially means you can stay
in Dubai for longer. Anyway, i just reread that last paragraph.Like I
said, pretty boring.
Speaking of pretty boring. The new Harry Potter film was more boring
than I thought it was gonna be. However it has set the last film up
pretty well. Could have done with seeing a bit of Voldemort.
At first I actually really liked it and then rang my 15 year old
brother and said I really liked it and he said 'Did you?' As if I was
a bit of an idiot.
I said 'Yeah. Didn't you?'
He said 'Well actually I thought it was more boring than I thought it
would be. Didnt really see Voldemort much. But the last film will be
pretty good.'
I said 'Yeah, that's also what I think.' But was lying, then I said
'Can you put mum back on?'
He said 'You've already talked to her. Speak to Montgomery'
He passed me onto Monty my stepdad, his dad. He calls him Montgomery,
and so do I sometimes.
Anyway, when I was talking to my mum before she asked me the usual
stuff, how i was going. How my relationship was surviving the long
distance. What the time was here. And of course, her usual 'piece de
resistance': who is doing what degree at university.
'Mum, all my friends have been finished at university for about five years.'
'Well what about Heath?'
'Yeah he finished ages ago.'
'Well what degree did he do?'
'A bachelor of human sacrifice.'
'Don't be stupid.'
'Yeah well shut it about needing to know what degree everyone in the
world has ever done.'
'Well noone ever tells me anything. Getting a bloody word out of your
brother is like getting bloody from a stone'
'Ok. Well Heath did law and now he is a lawyer in Wellington.'
'Is he going out with anyone?' That is another question she must
always know about any of my friends.
'Yes, he is engaged.'
'Who to?'
'Maria'
'Is she nice?'
'Yes, she is really nice.'
'Oh that's good. That's good. Do you think you'll marry Ra?'
'shut it mum.'
Anyway my mum started grilling me about not drinking in public in
Dubai because she had heard of some golf pro who was drinking in
public and ended up dead.
I didn't get the middle of the story or how he died as I was too busy
thinking about how my 15 year old brother had just totally smoked me
in Harry Potter lore and obviously got that movie way better than I
did.
I told my mum that I wouldnt be drinking outside. And then started
thinking how robbed I felt that Voldemort had not really featured in
that movie. And then I think my mum started asking 'How is the band
being received in Germany?'
I said 'pretty good.'
Anyway, Ra and me went swimming down at the beach just before. It was
about 5 in the evening and the water was pretty boiling but it was ok.
I think there were little bugs in the water trying to bite us. The
best bit was when she tried to do PDA on me and I karate chopped her.
If there were any Muslim people around frowning upon public affection
they would have approved of my karate chop had they seen it.
Then Ra touched a blue bottle and I think I did too, but I didnt see
it so it could have been an old condom or something. God willing.
Anyway, not much other crud to report. Am back in Berlin and me and
Felix are now sharing a room and also I just brought some chips that
taste like peanut butter but are heaps grosser
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
shut your trap. Goldblum lives.
.JPG)
God. I have just recovered my mind and emotional energy after being
away playing shows and mucking round for about ten days. It is pretty
tiring. But also reasonably classic.
At least i woke up fully clothed on sunday at 3pm with my boots on in
a hotel room I didnt even remember getting into. There were a packet
of Marlboro reds on the table and it jogged my memory that I had
stolen an almost life size figurine of a chef from outside of a hotel
the night before and traipsed through fields and marshland and stuck
it down the end of a jetty. Somehow I think my mind defined the
logical steps that:
a) me , Sam and Cathrin got dropped at the wrong hotel by festival organisers
b) to pay them back, i would steal the chef from out front of the hotel
c) i would take it through the fields as a lesson to people for not
dropping us at the wrong place
d) i would put it at the end of the jetty, but not throw it in the
lake, to show compassion.
I also ripped my pants from being too tired to climb the fence so just
taking a running jump and flying over it. I landed like a heavy bag of
vegetables. But who cares, i have no bruises.
Down by the jetty Sam and Cathrin told me it was not a good idea to
try boarding one of the yachts. I thought they were being prude
idiots. But actually when i started shaking the boat a lady came up
out of bed. So in fact on this occasion, Sam and Cathrin were correct.
That doesnt therefore mean that i am the idiot however, because the
lady who came up looked like a bit of a jerk actually. if it had have
been Ed down in the boat he probably would have come up and gone 'cool
chef'.
Anyway, all this carry on was after the Fusion Festival in Larz, Germany...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
.. that is a link of us playing. You can see how long Felix's (aka Lix
'Lickety SPlitz' Lun) hair is getting. He is hopefully going to grow
out a massive mullet and a mustache. He will then fulfill the
prophecy.
He has started a fictional side project called Star Control. Pretty
wicked name. Not as good as my fictional side project 'The Maoris'
however. I will be auditioning for band members sometime in the next
year. I have my eye on Big Hungry, Pounds and Jonny, however they may
be busy with their side project Jonny and the Knife Fighters. Which is
also one of the best names for a band i have heard in recent years.
I have quite a bit of news about the gigs: But i will bullet point
them so it doesnt get totally boring after one second.
a) Cardiff sucked. We were booked in a bar like the Loaded Hog. THere
were about six people there, the soundguy didnt know what he was doing
and I pretty much had bumwheeze. Seriously goes down as the most rank
gig we have ever had. We were pretty much laughing the whole time. And
we stayed with some cool people afterwards.
b) London was awesome. Catching up with old friends and having babes
dancing to our tunes and also Sam having to play a keyboard about
sixteen metres long as his had broken. It was ridiculously big and
took up quite a portion of the stage, i essentially wanted to kick it
out of the way, but didnt cos i couldnt be bothered with having to
pick it up again.
c) Leiden was the smallest room i have ever played in by at least 200
per cent. To reference a size i would say, the size of the toilets in
Mission Bay Burger King. And I am not exagerrating (f#ck i could never
spell that stupid word). If you have not been to Mission Bay Burger
King then you obviously didnt used to play hacky sack down by the
fountain so i dont even know why I am writing to you in the first
place.
Anyway, this was a fun gig. The room was packed. There were about 25
people. Heaps of Dutch people aka Schnurgens. They sound like they are
saying Schnurgen all the time. The venue was under this awesome squat
and this guy called Hgeil put his balls on our van and filmed it. It
was pretty good. Then he chased Ed with his balls etc. We have footage
of that also. I smoked heaps of weed because I felt like it. I love
the weed when I am in the Netherlands. (L.T.W)...
We stayed at this guy called Marcels house and me and Sam shared a
bed. I have a feeling that a Mick Jagger/ David Bowie episode may have
occurred, but whatever. I cant remember anything so therefore it is
not confirmed.
Leiden is pretty much one of the best places i have ever been. Heaps
of canals and weed etc.
d) Den Haag aka The Hague. Well, about 8 people, sorry, 11 people were
at our gig. But it was actually a really great night. We were staying
at this amazing old squat. Our friend Joost, who looks like Jimmy
Page, looked after us and rolled up heaps of weed. That was when we
found out MJ had died. Which sucked. There was a silver lining though,
in that we heard Goldblum had also died. When I found out that was a
hoax I felt even worse than when I had first heard that MJ had died
and knew nothing about Goldblum. So essentially the silver lining was
BULLSHIT. So Goldblum lives to fight another day. Oh well.
Anyway, then ...
e) Wassenaar, The Ambassadors Tea Party. Well we stayed in a mansion.
And we played background music at eh NZ ambassador of Netherlands
house. Me and Felix shared a room. I woke up in the middle of the
night because Lix turned the light on.
I said, 'what the hell Lix'
and he said 'there is a bat'
and i said 'what?'
and then i saw the bat flippen flying around the room like a skitzy
bird. It was a small bat but still freaked the living crud out of me
and then it flew out my window. Fuck THAT.
So anyway, we went back to sleep and had to get up at 4:40 to drive to
Fusion Festival.
f) Fusion Festival. Awesome. Heaps of hippies and weed. Cant remember
much. Was a great show and I stole a chef.
And i had some pretty strong psychedelics so if anyone from the
festival complains to anyone on this email list about the skitzy guy
from the New Zealand band demanding to be picked up with weed and
booze from the wrong hotel, then dont worry about it. It has all
smoothed over.
And tomorrow, we are going to Leipzig for a few days. Which is down
south or something. And sounds pretty good.
We have an old police van with bulletproof windows. Soooooo... yeah
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
greetings from earth and beyond
Classic. Between five and ten people replied to my last email saying
things like 'great email' and 'classic email' and also 'good email
man.'
F*CK YOU! and also 'thanks'.
anyway, juice over here is pretty good.
My bike Trent has another flat tire. Last time it cost me 25 to get
the tire replaced. the bike itself cost 35. I am glad i did not act as
smug as i felt when i got the bike so cheap. Because if i had then the
rest of the band would probably be thinking 'ha idiot' for having two
flat tires in one week. To be honest, i am suspecting foul play. It
would not surprise me if it was Chico from upstairs who has been
sneaking down and slashing tires. Rob and Ede and also Felix AKA Lix
'Lickety Splitz' Lun have had flat tires. Actually so has Sam.
Chico.
Something has to be going on. I am only really just realising this
now. I know some of you think I sometimes conspiracy theorise, but
realistically, I am onto the right track this time. Which is pretty
obvious.
Chico lives upstairs. He is a composer. He looks like a combination
between Goldblum (top 5 worst actors),
Larry David and the teacher in
Ferris Buellers Day Off who does the role call 'Bueller, Bueller, Fry,
Bueller, Fry'.
top five worst actors
1. Rick Moranis
2. Matthew Broderick
3. Bill Pullman
4. Goldblum
5. Vin Diesel
Anyway, lucky that Chico's bathroom flooded into our bathroom the
other day. That was pretty good.
He came down and slunk into our apartment, and said that if we were
out he had a key to apartment and could happily hang round for when
the plumber was here.
He is trying to nark us out to the landlord that there are quite a few
of us living here. Chico.
felix cooked some pork mince or something tonight.
but i was out and ate a kebab. berlin kebabs are actually one of the
best things about berlin.
another couple of things about berlin that i love are
a) not having to eat felixs cooking when you go out for the night. but
dont worry he actually makes some delicious stuff. Like hummous.
actually i lost my train of thought because i just remembered when i
was biking back to my house a couple of days ago and i tried to
dismount when i was pulling into the kurb outside and as i pulled my
leg over it got caught on the basket and then i freaked out and
slammed on the brakes and flipped off the front. There was about 15-18
people standing around by the bus stop and they all obviously thought
i was a massive jerk. Lucky i landed on my hip and knee and finger.
It didnt help when i was trying to get into my house and my bike kind
of got stuck etc. There was quite a bit of sniggering. It was not as
bad as the time i got my head stuck in the tube when i was in london
though. Which was definately the most embarassing thing that ever
happened to me. It was added to when i turned up to the party i ws
headed to and people said 'what are those black marks on your face?' i
didnt realise at the time but when i looked in the mirror and put two
and two together i realised it is from when the tube doors closed on
my face and marked them with the black rubber crud which is on the
inside of the doors.
But what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
All the stuff above this line i wrote when i was drunk a couple of
nights ago. Hence why it is quite aggressive, offensive and
confrontational. so i am sorry for that
It is 8:17am and there is construction happening again. I think the
best part about it is that they stop for about two hours around 10am.
What i think would be a really cool idea is maybe instead of stopping
at ten am for a couple of hours, maybe they could take those two hours
and not start until 8am rather than 6am. But that is only my very
humble opinion. Anyway, no big deal, i just looked out the window and
threw an apple core towards them and muttered a curse, so it is only a
matter of time before they get the bad juju. I can actually see a
bunch of them from my bed with white helmets on. I dream of owning a
slingshot and having very good aim.
Here are a few of the highlights of my life since i wrote to you last.
They are in order. As i find it infuriating when people make lists and
then say 'in no particular'. Why then would you make a list if it is
in no particular order? Sounds a bit Aids-ey to me. Anyway,
1. Getting dressed in womans clothes
2. Getting a flat tire on the side of the auto Bahn where we could nt
get the wheel nuts off because the tire was so fucked.
Anyway, there were trucks ripping past at around 160 km and Sam and
Rob went down the road trying to flag someone to help us. Sam was
wearing a high visibility vest and Rob was bouncing up and down
pointing to our busted wheel jack. It looked like a music video for
The Village People. No wonder nobody stopped except the Police.
The police actually couldnt help, didnt speak english and didnt have a
wheel jack that we could borrow. I pointed at the pistol on the guys
hip and then did the action of shooting off our wheel. He didnt think
it was very classic at all. Well whatever, he looked liked Colonel
Clink.
Anyway, we ended up getting towed and werent even late for a gig we
were playing in Cologne that night. That was quite a ruly night
actually. Met some swell humans.
3. Playing two shows with the Veils in Berlin and Hamburg. and meeting
Olly and Hauke who are German booking agent team and totally looked
after us, including finding us cheap vodka and giving the band free
Neil Young tickets. We are going tonight. Which will be sweet.
4. Discovering the program The Wire.
5. Getting some new deodorant
6. Receiving a polaroid in the mail of a guy holding his unit in front
of the mirror with the words 'what a view' written on the white bit on
the polaroid. Long story, but James and I stole this photo from the
'gay box' at 92 Lincoln st. and then would hide it in each other's
rooms until the other one found it. I wondered where it had got to. I
was horrified to know that James had made the effort to send it to
Berlin wrapped in apiece of lined A4 refill in an unmarked envelope.
This is actually number 1 i have decided but cant be bothered
rejigging the list. So ignore all that crap i was talking about
particular order etc..
Anyway, i am tired and bored now. We have to look for a van today.
lots of love to you all.
PS we probably arent going to be able to go to London this weekend due
to visa issues. but will keep you posted.
pps i started a weblog aka a 'blog' http://whateverorwhateveretc.blogspot.com/
ppps. starting the blog was my idea. Noone elses. I also figure out
heaps of rad stuff by myself like not overcooking vegetables, and
figuring out how to maek watching a movie on your laptop go full
screen by pressing APPLE '0
Ferris Buellers Day Off who does the role call 'Bueller, Bueller, Fry,
Bueller, Fry'.
top five worst actors
1. Rick Moranis
2. Matthew Broderick
3. Bill Pullman
4. Goldblum
5. Vin Diesel
Anyway, lucky that Chico's bathroom flooded into our bathroom the
other day. That was pretty good.
He came down and slunk into our apartment, and said that if we were
out he had a key to apartment and could happily hang round for when
the plumber was here.
He is trying to nark us out to the landlord that there are quite a few
of us living here. Chico.
felix cooked some pork mince or something tonight.
but i was out and ate a kebab. berlin kebabs are actually one of the
best things about berlin.
another couple of things about berlin that i love are
a) not having to eat felixs cooking when you go out for the night. but
dont worry he actually makes some delicious stuff. Like hummous.
actually i lost my train of thought because i just remembered when i
was biking back to my house a couple of days ago and i tried to
dismount when i was pulling into the kurb outside and as i pulled my
leg over it got caught on the basket and then i freaked out and
slammed on the brakes and flipped off the front. There was about 15-18
people standing around by the bus stop and they all obviously thought
i was a massive jerk. Lucky i landed on my hip and knee and finger.
It didnt help when i was trying to get into my house and my bike kind
of got stuck etc. There was quite a bit of sniggering. It was not as
bad as the time i got my head stuck in the tube when i was in london
though. Which was definately the most embarassing thing that ever
happened to me. It was added to when i turned up to the party i ws
headed to and people said 'what are those black marks on your face?' i
didnt realise at the time but when i looked in the mirror and put two
and two together i realised it is from when the tube doors closed on
my face and marked them with the black rubber crud which is on the
inside of the doors.
But what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
All the stuff above this line i wrote when i was drunk a couple of
nights ago. Hence why it is quite aggressive, offensive and
confrontational. so i am sorry for that
It is 8:17am and there is construction happening again. I think the
best part about it is that they stop for about two hours around 10am.
What i think would be a really cool idea is maybe instead of stopping
at ten am for a couple of hours, maybe they could take those two hours
and not start until 8am rather than 6am. But that is only my very
humble opinion. Anyway, no big deal, i just looked out the window and
threw an apple core towards them and muttered a curse, so it is only a
matter of time before they get the bad juju. I can actually see a
bunch of them from my bed with white helmets on. I dream of owning a
slingshot and having very good aim.
Here are a few of the highlights of my life since i wrote to you last.
They are in order. As i find it infuriating when people make lists and
then say 'in no particular'. Why then would you make a list if it is
in no particular order? Sounds a bit Aids-ey to me. Anyway,
1. Getting dressed in womans clothes
2. Getting a flat tire on the side of the auto Bahn where we could nt
get the wheel nuts off because the tire was so fucked.
Anyway, there were trucks ripping past at around 160 km and Sam and
Rob went down the road trying to flag someone to help us. Sam was
wearing a high visibility vest and Rob was bouncing up and down
pointing to our busted wheel jack. It looked like a music video for
The Village People. No wonder nobody stopped except the Police.
The police actually couldnt help, didnt speak english and didnt have a
wheel jack that we could borrow. I pointed at the pistol on the guys
hip and then did the action of shooting off our wheel. He didnt think
it was very classic at all. Well whatever, he looked liked Colonel
Clink.
Anyway, we ended up getting towed and werent even late for a gig we
were playing in Cologne that night. That was quite a ruly night
actually. Met some swell humans.
3. Playing two shows with the Veils in Berlin and Hamburg. and meeting
Olly and Hauke who are German booking agent team and totally looked
after us, including finding us cheap vodka and giving the band free
Neil Young tickets. We are going tonight. Which will be sweet.
4. Discovering the program The Wire.
5. Getting some new deodorant
6. Receiving a polaroid in the mail of a guy holding his unit in front
of the mirror with the words 'what a view' written on the white bit on
the polaroid. Long story, but James and I stole this photo from the
'gay box' at 92 Lincoln st. and then would hide it in each other's
rooms until the other one found it. I wondered where it had got to. I
was horrified to know that James had made the effort to send it to
Berlin wrapped in apiece of lined A4 refill in an unmarked envelope.
This is actually number 1 i have decided but cant be bothered
rejigging the list. So ignore all that crap i was talking about
particular order etc..
Anyway, i am tired and bored now. We have to look for a van today.
lots of love to you all.
PS we probably arent going to be able to go to London this weekend due
to visa issues. but will keep you posted.
pps i started a weblog aka a 'blog' http://whateverorwhateveretc.
ppps. starting the blog was my idea. Noone elses. I also figure out
heaps of rad stuff by myself like not overcooking vegetables, and
figuring out how to maek watching a movie on your laptop go full
screen by pressing APPLE '0
Monday, June 15, 2009
diggers outside my window
Hello friends. I was inspired to write a 'group email' when i woke up
at 6:46am this morning as some concrete dropped on some other
concrete. But i think the edge kinda scraped down the other edge and
made the chalk board sound x 400,000. Then a guy shouted something
which sounded like 'Pig dog death, floor hatred, love?'. So I am
pretty sure thats what he meant. My initial reaction would have been
to reply by saying 'Hey, shut it!' but before i could do anything
another guy said back to him jovially something along the lines of
'buttpower! buttpower kind!'. So, whatever.
It was a pretty good way to start the day. Not as good as nutri grain
or whatever, but pretty close. I can hear the diggers digging crap up
right now. Its a shame actually because if they werent so loud, i
probably wouldnt want to kill the guys driving them. Oh they have
stopped, and it has been replaced by a jackhammer. So that's quite
good. Almost soothing.
I just went and looked out the window and secretly pulled the fingers
at a couple of those guys.
Anyway, I am in Berlin and life of the unemployed is actually ruling
so hard that I almost want to puke. I really like
a) getting up late
b) doing what i want
c) not going to work
d) going to the kids playground and sitting in the far corner by the
swings smoking
e) riding my bike Trent around
f) getting up and looking in the fridge and seeing what you can make
from different ingredients
There are a lot more things I like about being unemployed, but those
are the ones that sprung immedietly to my head.
We have been here a month and it is probably my new favourite town. I
refused to do any sightseeing when I found out that Hitlers bunker can
not actually be seen from the road, and you would never even know it
was there. That put me off.
But there is plenty to do otherwise and everyone pretty much sits
around drinking or mucking round in the park here. There are probably
a billion or so parks in Berlin. It is a really green city which is
awesome. When you contrast that with the absolutely overpowering
amount of graffiti it is such a cool looking place. Some of the
graffiti pieces are whole sides of huge apartment blocks, it is
unbelievable stuff. My favourite one is this big spaceman that you see
out of the side of the train.
I also like the one that says 'Mike sucked me off in here' in the
toilets in a bar near our home. Although it is not as grandiose as the
spaceman.
I never thought I would use the word grandiose in context. So, pretty
much can tick that off.
Have been on a couple of adventures... the most memorable being Sam
and I's journey to Amsterdam to see Jean Michel Jarre live.
Essentially, in a nutshell, we brought some 'truffles' from a lady in
a shop who told us they were a mild form of mushrooms, ate them, found
out that they were by no means 'mild', tripped out and thought that
Jean Michel Jarre was landing a spacecraft on the stage.
The laser show and music actually blew my brains out, it was so good.
And honestly, I was hallucinating so hard like never before. It was
flippen sweet.
Then I got robbed. This guy basically reached for his back pocket
where either a knife or a gun was, or a carrot or whatever
was and robbed me for all the money in my wallet. 10 Euros, ha sucker.
It was a night of various strange and wonderful adventures which i
could go in depth into, but seeing was kind of believing. And I was so
god damn high I dont even actually know if it all happened.
I can confirm neither Sam nor I slept with a prostitute. Although we
did get some pretty good camera footage of a shop window with a
beautiful dildo display.
The band are all here now in Berlin. Rob arrived at 2am this morning
and woke us up. So odds are we are going to ask him to leave the band.
Our first gig is this friday night at a place called Tacheles. It is
like an art squat (trippy), so that will be great. Then we are headed
to Hamburg on Sunday to play with The Veils (which is so f*cking
exciting, i love that band), and then back to do the Berlin show with
them on monday..
We have a bunch of interesting stuff coming up actually, in June
headed to Cologne,London, Cardiff, a bunch of Netherlands shows and
then this great festival called Fusion Festival... We are stoked to be
playing it, it is supposed to be one of Europe's great festivals.
Hopefully I dont get electrocuted or something before that. But odds
are I might.
We are also playing a hardcore metal fest called Ieperfest in august.
Spelt with an I not an L.. but pretty classic.
hope everyone is good. Please write to me back.
And yes, even though I am unemployed, I really want to do some writing
of band bios or any copy for websites or whatever... so if anyone
needs anything like that done you can hit me up. I only want one day
of work per 6 weeks, so take it easy.
I am going now to eat an apple and throw the core somewhere near the
construction workers.
i know i have left a bunch of stuff out in this email. but whatever.
reuben p. bonner
ps. I saw a guy on the train who pretty much looked exactly like Paul
Vahry, Jonny's dad.
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