I am writing to tell you that i have finished reading the BFG at
least. I had read it before when I was a kid about 5 times, but it is
nice to refresh. My favourite part is when the big giants chuck the
BFG around like a ball. It has inspired me to
a) write a book about giants
b) adopt an orphan (like the BFG does)
c) meet the Queen (like the BFG does)
d Have sex with the Queen
e) Have sex to a giant
I am now back in Berlin, and this email is old, but who gives a..
The.
Anyway, I got sidetracked. I arrived in Dubai ages ago. It is
seriously so flippen boiling here that I just about puked when i
walked out of the airport. And also it was at 10pm at night. Which is
not even the hottest time. I immedietly cursed the place and looked
around to try and find something classic to take my mind of the heat.
But there wasn't really anything, unless you count me muttering to
myself again. Which I have been doing quite a bit of lately. It is a
little bit like when I thought I was going crazy in 1998 and used to
tell my friends that I would go and live by the river and call myself
Old Man Bonner. I did quite a bit of muttering then actually.
Anyway, the heat. God. I am known to sweat quite a bit and have also
been referred to as 'The Sweat Pig' on a few occasions, well it was
this night that the prophecy really rang true. As I have a mutant face
with different coloured eyes, different sized nostrils and sweat
glands only working properly one one side, i usually tend to sweat on
one side of my face. Well not this time. I sweated pretty much
everywhere. By the way, Beads told me that odds are that I was a twin
in the womb and asorbed the other twin and that is why I have
different eyes and all that other crud. So, that is pretty much what I
have told everyone I have ever met who asks me about my eyes (or when
half my face goes red and half stays white when I play sports - which
is actually now never). Well when I told my eye doctor that story he
thought I was an idiot and told me that I actually have a syndrome.
But I have forgotten the name of it but it is something along the
lines of Butt-Pig eye syndrome or whatever.
Anyway, It was even too hot to smoke. But i still did, because I had
nothing to do an had already come outside and it was pretty boring.
Ra picked me up with her driver Shajeer. He has a rad Kenny Powers
haircut and very supple buttocks which suit his blue denims. But I
didn't actually figure this out that night because it was dark. I
figured it out one day when I was standing out on the road and he was
hanging round the van.
This is how i am trying to convince Felix AKA Lix Lun to grow his hair by the way
One morning I woke up in my undies only. And I was a bit freezing
because the blanket had been stolen off me. Also, my feet were
sticking over the edge of the bed and were touching a bunch of ratty
tatty power plugs which could have electrocuted me at any second. They
were the kind of plugs that any time you ever plugged something into
them you would see some form of blue spark. I have been electrocuted a
couple of times already. Once for taking a leak on an electric fence.
It had a pulse. Once Pounder was electrocuted at band practise because
of a faulty plug. We saw a blue spark shoot out the top of his head as
he threw his bass down and jumped on the bed. It was pretty funny.
Anyway, so I was awake, and in my undies and I cursed everyone in the
world because as I was thinking of my predicament and also how rubbish
my pillow was, the mosque next door started chanting through the
speakers and then a few dogs started barking. And then a loud
motorbike drove past. Pretty annoying.
At least I looked up on the wall and saw a photo of my Ra's friend
pashing her boyfriend down by the beach, and just beside that is a
photo of two dead seals hugging each other. Pretty poetic etc.
the
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
This is one of the best scenes from one of my favourite movies ever.
Boyz In The Hood.
The reason why it is in my email because go to 3:47. The lane where
Ricky gets shot in this scene is exactly the same as the one by Ra's
house. So therefore tomorrow i am going out to get a gun or as they
call it in the hood 'getting tooled up'.
I am currently lying on Ra's friend Sophie's bed. I have not met her,
but it is quite comfortable and the sheet is very clean so I will not
complain.
Is it wrong for me to day dream about being this guy? Because I do.
Probably around 45-55 minutes a day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
In Dubai, you can pretty much get any flavour of Juice you want. And
since I have been here, I have been trying all the Juices.
Here is a list of the Juices i have tried and a rating beside them.
They are packet Juices unless I say the word 'fresh' in front of them.
Just in case you didnt know, Juice is one of the things in my life
that I love.
Guava. 7.5
(Fresh) Rockmelon. 8.8
(Fresh) Mango. 9.6. This juice was so good it made me want to yell out
'Shut Your Fucking Face this is unreal.' to the waiter.
Youngberry 9
Secrets of The Valley 7
Hanepoot Grape 5.2
Ruby Red Grapefruit 3 (booooo! too sour)
(Fresh) Kiwifruit 8.9
(Fresh) Orange Juice (i am not a big fan of the saying OJ) 9.0 (some
of the best fresh orange juice around i think)
Pomegranate and Lime 8.5
Full Fruit Medley 6.7
Peach 8.8
So FYI, that is 12 diferent types of juices in about 12 days. Not bad really.
Anyway my holiday consisted of drinking juice, mucking around, and
sometimes at night I would slink down to the ocean to swim, but it was
too hot to really enjoy it. I guess you could compare it to having a
cigarette that was rolled too tight and when you inhale you would get
some smoke, but not the hit in the back of your throat.
Well going into the water in Dubai was like walking into a bowl of
soup. Except there were no carrots or bits of pea etc. Well maybe
there were but because it was nightime I couldn't see them. Plus I was
thinking about sharks. I have since looked on the internet and there
are not really many to worry about. However in neighbouring Oman there
are quite a few Tiger Sharks.
I went to Oman for about two minutes. Actually two minutes. Not five.
About two. It was a visa thing, pretty boring to talk about but also
pretty classic that everyone in the governmental organisation knows
that people drive in from Dubai to get their passports stamped to be
able to drive straight back in. There is even a bus company that take
a bus to do this exact same thing. It essentially means you can stay
in Dubai for longer. Anyway, i just reread that last paragraph.Like I
said, pretty boring.
Speaking of pretty boring. The new Harry Potter film was more boring
than I thought it was gonna be. However it has set the last film up
pretty well. Could have done with seeing a bit of Voldemort.
At first I actually really liked it and then rang my 15 year old
brother and said I really liked it and he said 'Did you?' As if I was
a bit of an idiot.
I said 'Yeah. Didn't you?'
He said 'Well actually I thought it was more boring than I thought it
would be. Didnt really see Voldemort much. But the last film will be
pretty good.'
I said 'Yeah, that's also what I think.' But was lying, then I said
'Can you put mum back on?'
He said 'You've already talked to her. Speak to Montgomery'
He passed me onto Monty my stepdad, his dad. He calls him Montgomery,
and so do I sometimes.
Anyway, when I was talking to my mum before she asked me the usual
stuff, how i was going. How my relationship was surviving the long
distance. What the time was here. And of course, her usual 'piece de
resistance': who is doing what degree at university.
'Mum, all my friends have been finished at university for about five years.'
'Well what about Heath?'
'Yeah he finished ages ago.'
'Well what degree did he do?'
'A bachelor of human sacrifice.'
'Don't be stupid.'
'Yeah well shut it about needing to know what degree everyone in the
world has ever done.'
'Well noone ever tells me anything. Getting a bloody word out of your
brother is like getting bloody from a stone'
'Ok. Well Heath did law and now he is a lawyer in Wellington.'
'Is he going out with anyone?' That is another question she must
always know about any of my friends.
'Yes, he is engaged.'
'Who to?'
'Maria'
'Is she nice?'
'Yes, she is really nice.'
'Oh that's good. That's good. Do you think you'll marry Ra?'
'shut it mum.'
Anyway my mum started grilling me about not drinking in public in
Dubai because she had heard of some golf pro who was drinking in
public and ended up dead.
I didn't get the middle of the story or how he died as I was too busy
thinking about how my 15 year old brother had just totally smoked me
in Harry Potter lore and obviously got that movie way better than I
did.
I told my mum that I wouldnt be drinking outside. And then started
thinking how robbed I felt that Voldemort had not really featured in
that movie. And then I think my mum started asking 'How is the band
being received in Germany?'
I said 'pretty good.'
Anyway, Ra and me went swimming down at the beach just before. It was
about 5 in the evening and the water was pretty boiling but it was ok.
I think there were little bugs in the water trying to bite us. The
best bit was when she tried to do PDA on me and I karate chopped her.
If there were any Muslim people around frowning upon public affection
they would have approved of my karate chop had they seen it.
Then Ra touched a blue bottle and I think I did too, but I didnt see
it so it could have been an old condom or something. God willing.
Anyway, not much other crud to report. Am back in Berlin and me and
Felix are now sharing a room and also I just brought some chips that
taste like peanut butter but are heaps grosser
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