Banished by the Stomper. A story about determination.

As my brother is confirmed as the preferred child in the family and also gets dibs on all the best groceries it was of no surprise to me upon getting sick with a mild case of the 'common' that i was banished by my mother, aka the Morning Stomper, to my bedroom so as to not infect my brother with my ailment. It was understandable as he did admittedly have a very important race coming up, and as he is one of the best 1500 metre runners for his age in the country, there is no way that I wanted to jeopardise any chance that at least one of the children in this family could do some achieving. This would bring up the family average, and keep the Morning Stomper satisfied with the level of her offsprings productivity, and therefore make her less likely to come in and shout at me for spending time in the middle of the day sitting in the lounge watching old Macgyver episodes.

I consider this bad juju and really feel like my 'mellow' is 'being harshed' when the Stomper comes in with flailing arms and words flying while I am sitting there trying to enjoy one of the greatest TV series ever created, or what I like to call a 'Shakespearianesque drama'. Especially when it is on on a monday afternoon after I have had a tiring weekend, and even more especially when it is one of my favourite ever Macgyver episodes 'Trumbo's World' AKA the one set in Brazilian Amazonia where massed colonies of billions of soldier ants take out anything in their path including humans, cattle, trees and whatever. It is totally awe inspiring and in M.H.O (my humble opinion) the best Macgyver episode ever to air - (not including any episodes which has the international assassin 'Murdoc' in them - Macgyver's nemesis. For these always work out to be the best episodes by a county mile).
this is him below looking totally awesome and reasonably evil.

But I digress, the point is, when I am trying to get in the zone and soak up some culture, I don't need the Stomper giving me a bad buzz or any 'heat'. So this is why it is good that my brother gets out there and runs, and achieves, and levels the balance of the universe inside this little house we all live in, because I would do it for him if i could run. Also he owes me because the last time I stuck up for him in front of the Stomper we were both punished and had to carry bits of wood from the yard down into the bush at 8:45 at night. Which was admittedly, pretty annoying.
Soon after the Macgyver incident, where i was sent to my room anyway, I got the aforementioned dose of the 'common'. That is short for the common cold, in case you are total idiot who didn't pick up on that.
My 'common' was quite mild, but the Stomper insisted that I would stay in my room until my brother left for Wellington 3 days later. I was allowed out to use the bathroom, but only if I took bacterial wipes with me to wipe down all surfaces around the taps and door handles, and even though she didn't say it, I knew she would prefer if i held my breath on my way down the hallway.
My meals were brought to me in my room and usually passed through as small a crack as possible, and I was told 'we must keep you contaminated', even though i'm pretty sure she meant 'quarantined'.
I think the 'Pièce de résistance' of this whole caper was when my brother came to the door of my room wearing a doctors or 'sars' mask to give me a glass of berocca sent from the Stomper in a bid to speed up my recovery.
The door opened a minimal crack and his hand placed the fizzing cup on the table and then withdrew, still peering in.
'Drink it' he said to me in a muffled SARS mask wearing voice.
'What the hell are you wearing on your face?'
'A SARS mask'
'Where did you get that from?'
'Don't talk to me you're contaminated'
'Seriously, did mum get you that to wear around me?'
'Correct.'
I laughed uncontrollably for around one minute and could tell he was also smirking at the hilarity of the situation under his SARS mask.
'You look like a real idiot with that thing on you know'
'Yeah well at least I am not confined to a room with AIDS or Ebola or whatever the hell it is you have got.'



'It is the common'
'Yeah well you are starting to remind me of the weird albino from Benchwarmers who is afraid to leave the house.'
'Yeah well tell the Stomper to either a) let me out of the room, or b) lend me the car so I can go somewhere.'
'She won't lend you the car for fear of contamination, I don't blame her really. Why don't you get out of the house on roller blades like you used to in the 90s?'
'Yeah well mum probably gave my blades away to a chinese family around the road like she did with all my toys.'
'Drink the berrocca. And don't talk to me. You're contaminated. Night'
'Night'
I did drink the Berrocca. And it kept me awake until around 4am, but I didn't really care because I had plenty to do between reading the Motley Crue autobiography, ringing the Guthy Renker infomercials call free number, and looking on the internet every now and then to see if there had been any new animal faceoff battles loaded up on youtube.

Mountain Lion in the back yard.

This may sound stupid however I am pretty sure there is some form of Mountain Lion in the back yard of my house. Well my parents house, I am living at home currently in the spare bedroom, but plan to definately be out of here by the time I am 30 come next january. God willing.
Either way, nobody wants to hear a mountain lion as they are trying to drift off to sleep whether it is at THEIR home OR their parents home, and as there is some pretty unsettling growling going on which is louder than any I have heard in recent weeks it leads me to the conclusion that we may have a pretty hungry animal on our hands. Also there is a full moon out which makes beasts from the wilderness and the Kepa road bush more likely to roam into neighbouring properties. I assume.
Because of the tone and vocal timbre of the growl I am leaning towards a cougar or a catamont at this point,



but it could just as easily be a jaguar, puma or lynx. (note the picture below this jaguar looking like a gremlin)



Either way, I am not flippen going out there as I don't feel like having my face bitten off or my stomach ripped open by some mountain lions hind legs. Odds are though that would probably not ever happen to me personally as one day when I was bored i spent about two hours researching what to do in the unlikely event of a mountain lion attack and I feel reasonably 'well read' on the topic. if you have even gotten this far reading this mindless crud I am talking about, you are probably also curious about how to not get killed by a mountain lion, so I will try and summarise some tips to the best of my knowledge and feeble memory.

I think the most important point and first step is to never go hiking alone in areas where there is usually deer but for some reason now there isn't. This means that there will be mountain lions hanging around there waiting for the deer, but probably quite hungry as there are none there to eat. This makes you a target and the mountain lion first to spot you will probably think 'Jackpot! This jerk is moving a lot slower than the usual prey'.
Another key point to note is that mountain lions are more attracted to children as a target as opposed to adults. One theory on this is their size and the fact the animal can take the child and easily carry it away like they do with small prey. So it is a good idea if you are hiking through cougar country to go with a kid which you can use as a diversion and buy you some time as to get away. It is preferable that the kid is not yours and not one that you are overly attached to as a friend or overly responsible for the well being of.
Point number 3, maybe the most important:
If indeed you are attacked by an animal in the wild, report this attack to Fish and Game, or the Ranger in the area as soon as possible. I can only assume that they are referring to making a report after the attack occurs as it might be quite hard to get your cellphone out, call directory and then transfer to Fish and Game or the Ranger to tell them about it when you are in the middle of being attacked. Also if the mountain lion is growling or eating you at the time, odds are the ranger will probably not be able to hear you very well. And don't forget, you could be out of cellphone range. So probably better to just try and defend yourself with a bit of metal or something similar and then make the call afterwards if by chance you make it out alive.
That is about all i can remember, however if i were to add my own 'two cents' i would say always travel with bacon, because not only is it a delicious snack which is pocket size and nutritious, it is also the candy of meats and likely to be a good distraction for a mountain lion if you were to throw it towards them, do a side step and high tail it for the woods. Which is what I would do if I had run out of kids.
By the way if anyone reads this and thinks 'that idiot, there are no mountain lions in New Zealand', then i can only assume that you did not watch the 60 minutes documentary about the mysterious giant black cat that was roaming around the south island with various sitings. So therefore you are now the idiot for not keeping up with current affairs.

my dream about the helicopter with machine guns on the blades. BEWARE: this is a pretty cool invention

The next day was a sunday and it felt like I had awoken from the most amazing slumber of my life. It was the first time I had been to bed before eleven in about two years and I slept through till 11 the following morning. There were clean sheets, puffy pillows and enough room to spreadeagle across the bed without that stinking pig Kenny Powers trying to take up half the room for once. I had remembered my dream, and it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. I began to regale it as I stared out the window looking at the clothesline.


In the dream (which may possibly have been a prophecy as it was quite vivid) Kenny Powers and I were in the midst of the ultimate world war to end world wars, in the thick of battle and rapidly losing ground and human beings beside us in the dirt. The enemy was being lead by a dark emperor who held the key to the winning or losing of the war. Rumours had circulated amongst the rebels (us and others) that the only way the war could be won was if the emperor was destroyed. Some people said the only way to kill him would be by having his head cut off, but we put that down to Chinese Whispers and thought that any normal death would suffice.
The rebel leader and his closest advisors were lacking ideas as to how to get close enough to the emperor to destroy him, and Kenny Powers and I swallowed our pride and approached the war council with an idea.
'Hello Mike, I am Reuben, this is my pig, Kenny Powers. We have thought of a way to get into the Emperors fortress to destroy him. Essentially I have always fantasised about having a helicopter with machine guns on all the blades, it would wipe out anything in its path on a 360 degree radius. if we could paint one of our helicopters with the dark emperors colours then we could get close enough to his fortress to turn the machine guns on (automatically) and wipe out all his closest advisors and then the dark emperor himself. If you think this is a stupid idea then just tell us and we will not go through with it.'
'No' said Mike 'I think you should go for it,' and shook my hand and patted Kenny Powers on the flank.
And that was the end of the dream.It got me to thinking about helicopters with machine guns attached to all the blades, and made me realise how amazing a weapon that would be in war. I made a mental note to myself to to keep the idea a secret until New Zealand is invaded and then to help out defeat the invaders with my amazing idea. I would no doubt be considered a war hero and when it was time for me to collect my medal from the Prime Minister I would not make a speech but would stand up on the podium and put my fist out in the air with a black glove on it in the same way that the black panthers did in the 70s.

Then everyone would know that I am all about revolution and other things like that. I would also have Kenny Powers standing to my left wearing dark glasses and a black beret. It would be a great photo opportunity no doubt.
I go through periods i guess of thinking about war and then not thinking about war.
One thing i think about war is that I dont like how the guy second from the right in the top row of this picture is a) pulling that face and b) holding his finger on the gun a little bit like the Penguin from Batman.

However there was something about the song Ohio by Crosby Stills Nash and Young that would always make me think of what it would be like to get asked to go to war by some idiot who I had never met. I sure would be angry if I was made to, because I know how terrible at war I would be. Mainly because I have bad aim but also my flat feet would really make all the walking get on my nerves, because you are forced to walk not only in war, but in all the training and camps you are expected to go to. I can only assume I wouldn't sleep especially well in ratty tatty bunks or in trenches while gunfire is going off and there is also the fact that I am not so keen on killing strangers who have never really done anything to me, and who do not appear anywhere on my 'Top 5 Kill List' (which is due to be updated in the next month or so). Therefore war sounds like something that would be exceptionally annoying and also pretty boring. I thank god on high that I never agreed to go to the army when my dad suggested that it would be a good way to pay for university. I probably would not have gotten away with all the pot smoking that university led me to, but I also may have not gotten away with coming out alive.

new plymouth and a couple of other things. like the woman with the horn etc..

It was pretty amazing to wake up earlier than usual and hear on the radio that someone from America had turned 101 and also had begun to grow another horn out her head. The lady had been growing a single horn for a few years which had got to about six centimetres, but soon after her 101st birthday she had discovered a new horn growing on the other side of her head. The radio also said she 'liked spending time with her family' which I found pretty relevant to the fact that she had horns.
When in Rome i guess.
I was in a taxi at the time with some of the guys from the band. The taxi driver had George FM on which is an Auckland dance station and pretty soon after the horn story we got some techno 'beats'. I made a crack about how it felt like we were going to the airport to fly out to Ibiza but nobody really laughed so I ignored those jerks and started looking at the back of the taxi drivers head for a little while. After a while that got pretty boring so I mucked around on the game i have on my phone.
I am currently sitting on the plane to New Plymouth. It is a smaller plane than you might usually travel on and really feels like one that Lynard Skynard may have gone down in on that fateful day where their plane crashed and most of them died, but one didnt, and kept the band going. That would never happen with us. Felix and Rob are not on the plane, so Felix would concentrate on his fantasy metal side project Star Control. I dont know what Rob would do. If we make it through this flight I will text him about it.

The lady in front of me just looked around and gave me the evil eye as I accidentally bumped her chair while readjusting my jeans. I felt like saying 'What the heck are you looking at Woozel Gummidge?' as she kind of looks like a scarecrow who would eat sausages on A.D.B (A Daily Basis). Fingers crossed this will be the last time I see her.

Yesterday we met up with a friend of ours who looks exactly like Chris Cornell from Soundgarden. We told him that we were spending a few days in Las Vegas on the way back to Europe in April and he told us that his Dad lived there and could take us around to look at some of the local crud that wasn't casinos or strip joints. My first gut feeling was to ask him if thought he might know any sites where all the mobsters buried the bodies of other mobsters and if we could go out there and drink beers, but then i figured I would wait till we got to Vegas to see if Chris Cornell's dad might be ok to ask questions like that.
My aim in Vegas is to mainly be a combination between
a) the fat samoan lawyer with all the drugs from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
and
b) the fat bearded guy from The Hangover who is a little bit tweaked out in the brain

Now i am back in AUckland and i just freaked out because the cat came in the damn room. I looked around and there it was staring at me.
I am not even sure if I like this cat that lives here, but who cares i guess, its not like we hang around all the time.

I must say there is something quite good about New Plymouth, apart from the drunk woman who barrelled along, demanded to sit at our table then called me a jehovah's witness, Sam a russian sailor and told Ede he had shit hair. I told her to 'get stuffed' when she asked me to kiss her hand as I was leaving. She kissed Sam's hand and he wiped it on my arm which (indirectly) totally made me feel like tripping her over.
She was really keen to go and see 'Anita Moa' who was on the night before us.
I didnt even bother explaining that her name was Anika as this woman was so drunk and probably didnt want to be corrected from a drinking, smoking, swearing Jehovah's Witness like me.

My favourite part about New Plymouth is the hotel owner Tony who takes you for a swim to the beach when you cant be bothered walking and also how the seagulls obey you if you have hot chips.

There was around 50 of them sitting in front of us while we were eating our dinner by the ocean... Sam said 'Jump to the left if you believe in satan!' and threw a chip to the left and they all went for it. So essentially, if you didnt see the chip it would have looked like they all believed in satan. You really had to be there.
i am procrastinating. i just watched a karate movie and feel like learning karate. Actually thats a lie, i feel like not having to learn karate , but to immedietley have the powers of a black belt without having to put all the training and hard work in. All i know is that getting karated to the face looks totally painful and also that all chinese villains in karate movies must hav bald hair on top, long hair on the sides, be skinny and have a wispy moustache. That is just what i have noticed lately.
Anyway, i can smell hot cross buns so i am going to walk up the street and figure out which house its coming from and stand around outside for a bit.

some crud about our tour.

Hello Anyone out there, i just thought i would write with an email to
tell you all about our exciting tour and about L.I.G (life in
general).
I am currently sitting in a lounge in Onekaka, Golden Bay. it is at
the beach and Sam and I just went swimming together with our matching
'High School Musical 2' towels. He was also wearing his new (second
hand) pink togs which really are a sight to behold. So essentially, we
looked pretty good as some kind of batty tourist couple, which is not
such a big deal.
Yesterday we played a festival called 'Illuminate' on the old
'Gathering' site. There was lots of tie die, incense, lentils, fire
dancing and other crud like that.
It was safe to say that I did not quite fit in walking around in the
evening wearing my three tits t-shirt under my long black trench coat,
but noone really said anything. As the moon was full, pretty much
everyone was too busy ululating to 'dub beats' and feeling each
other's 'energy' etc.



I walked around with a bottle of boysenberry cider looking for a good
stick as we were after all up in the woods. I didn't find anything but
managed to make hard out eye contact with a dog wearing a red bandana
under the full moon. I quickly wondered if dogs turn skitzy under the
full moon and attack humans like werewolves do, but he just walked
off. So then I walked off.
When we actually played our show the crowd was great. Heaps of the
women had their eyes closed and were doing all kinds of 'tripped out'
dancing and really getting into it.



One woman actually looked like
some crazy old witch who would cook children in a big boiling pot. I
made eye contact with her once and almost pissed my pants with fear.
Halfway through our show one of the power amplifiers started smoking
and there was a power surge and the whole system shut down. We had to
go off stage for 15 minutes while the crew fixed it up. But then we
came back on and played a few more songs before that witch woman
closed the festival with about ten minutes banging on a big gong and
opening her arms to the sky.



I looked around to pull a face at Felix as if to say 'What the fuck is
going on here?' but got busted by what looked to be one of the head
hippies pulling the face. It was awkward. I will not be surprised if
some form of voodoo has been put on me for pulling that face about the
Gong Witch. Hopefully not thou seeing Ede from my band pretty much
knew everyone up on that hill, and he will hopefully rebalance the
'kharma' or 'universe' or something similar.
this is why..



We had an amazing stage manager, a very nice lady by the name of Tina.
She had one arm and one stump. When we all had a group hug with her
after the show I was first into the hug and then when everyone
enclosed around us her stump was sticking into my back. It was pretty
annoying as it was kind of sharp. I tried to break the hug up, but
everyone was trying to extend it, so I had to hang in there a bit
longer.
We left yesterday afternoon and left Rob from my band up on the hill
hanging around fullfilling the prophecy of his nick name 'Star Child'.
No doubt he will be participating in drum circles, taking MDMA and
making love under the stars. He better be in Takaka on time for our
gig tonight or he's dead meat.
Then tomorrow we go to Kaikoura. I will try and get a whale. And a
stick off the beach.
The other shows on the tour have been a) excellent or b) pretty
mediocre.
Leigh, Raglan, Paekakariki, Levin and Camp A Low Hum were all such fun.
Even though we were a day late to Camp A Low Hum due to either my poor
management or Blink from Camp A Low Hum providing me the wrong day. I
somehow thing it may have been my fault.
Napier was super quiet and Wellington was also less than expected,
although we did get to play with a band i consider to be the best band
in the country Beastwars. You should look them up on the internet.
Also it was my birthday that night and things got a little crazy.
Sam and I missed the ferry from Wellington to Picton but managed to
squeeze onto the following ferry. Seats were tight but we managed to
get two seats facing the kids playground. Once again my trench coat
was not necessarily the best choice of wardrobe for that particular
time. But it went well with my dark glasses, and there were no
complaints.

Anyway, as per usual I am totally rambling. With no real point or
purpose. If anyone sees my mum tell her I will be home on monday and
that if possible it would be nice to not have to answer 40 million
questions upon arrival as I will be quite tired.

Hope everyone is pretty good. Love reuben.