Goodbye Cruel World (also, return to the Stomper's Den (again))

I will have you know that this may be the last time I write for a very, very long time. If ever. I have made this decision because as of a few weeks ago, I have begun to focus all my energies into the study of Magic. Some people may yell out ‘thank the lord these ramblings will cease’, I immediately put a curse on you heathens and vow to use magic in the future to somehow destroy you.

Here is a picture of me in the foreground creating destruction for you aforementioned jerks. i have in this depiction used magic to round you all up in the one place and then launched an explosion in the general vicinity.


Although I have planned to destroy the non-believers, I know on the other hand there will be a lot of people out there in the world who will be quite relieved that I have now found my true calling. I would not be surprised if between 30 and 40 people exclaim ‘Yes, magic. That is probably what he is destined for I suppose.’ Or something there or thereabouts.

While I am mainly learning Magic off the internet at the moment, I plan to extend my knowledge by
a) reading books in regard to magic
b) buying posters of my favourite wizards to hang up around the house (Gandalf, Pug AKA Milamber, Merlin and last but not least Catweazle)
c) trying to figure out the difference between Ceremonial Magic, Illusionist Magic, Paranormal Magic, Religious Magic and Magick, with an extra ‘K’. Then deciding on which branch of magic I would mainly like to focus on as I slowly become a magician of note (or potentially a sorceror or Warlock).
d) Finding someone who can teach me about witchcraft and the occult
e) Referring to myself as The Great Maniac Holstfield Wonders and wearing a cape at least 90 per cent of the time.

There is a fair bit to get through, but seeing I am back in New Zealand and I have no car and am bored as I have ever been, I have a lot of time on my hands to make this dream a reality. I have already learnt around 5 magic tricks and have ordered the ‘Art Of Levitation’ DVD on my mother’s credit card as an early 30th birthday present.



Although she does not really approve of my practicing magic or constant cape wearing she can hardly deny me this request on such a milestone of a birthday.
As previously mentioned, she is widely known as the Morning Stomper due to her 6am passages up and down the hallway with a ferocity and volume that can strike fear into the hearts of many men. Because of her reputation for hallway gusto and speed, combined with her renowned interrogation techniques (which we think she may have learnt from infamous Nazi interrogater Hanns Scharff), many would think it an unwise idea to ever question her authority whilst living under her roof. But I, like my 16 year old brother (who is most certainly the favourite child), have the courage of a lion. And sometimes of late, questions have had to be asked.

‘Where the heck are all the towels in this god forsaken hellhole?’ I asked one morning yelling naked from a towel-less bathroom (post-shower, pre-teeth brush).
‘Your brother needs them for his running competition tomorrow so I have packed them into the car so there is no chance of him being without,’ the Stomper replied whipping down the hallway at approx 80km/h leaving a trail of destruction in her wake.
‘Thanks for NOTHING! What will I dry myself with?’
'Why don't you use your bear and wolf towel to dry yourself?' yelled my brother from the lounge. It was obvious he was really getting into the swing of school holidays by simultaneously drinking chocolate milk, playing X-Box and sitting around in his undies at midday.
‘Because A) its a cape, not a towel you maniac! And B) I am not a big fan of taking it off my custom made cape hooks unless it is for a totally valid reason.' I replied knowing he would appreciate my reasoning.
‘Don’t call your brother a maniac. Here’s a bathmat.’ Said the Stomper as she tore past again, handing me a peach hand towel which she had collected at some point in the morning on one of her many, many laps between the kitchen and the laundry cupboard.

I knew that if my skills at magic were stronger by now I would not get treated like this. Like some second rate member of the family who is not allocated towels and also asked to ‘housesit’ when it was time for a ‘family holiday’ instead of actually attending the ‘family holiday’. I now know that Magic is my only ticket out of here, to infinity and beyond etc. I would show them. I would show them good.



But first I need to get my mental state right. It has been a tough time resettling back in New Zealand because Kenny Powers the pig is now too big to fit in my room comfortably and I have had to build a makeshift shrine for him to live in outside my window. Luckily I can reach my hand out to ‘Kenny’s Sex Shack’ and still be in contact with him physically, and also within reach so I can pour Nutri Grains onto his custom screen printed American Idol dining plate.
At least he seems happy to be here and is not afraid to go into the woods at the bottom of our section any more. Which essentially, I still am.
The other thing that has been tough about adjusting to New Zealand have been my constant headaches and recurring nightmares about plane crashes.
It is one thing to go down in a flaming plane wreck in a dream, but in these particular dreams I am also basically dying of starvation at the same time. I can confirm that this is not the greatest feeling on planet earth.
Luckily I know that more people per year die from being killed by donkeys than by plane crashes.
And because of this I feel safe to fly again, but on the flipside of that coin I am very wary of any donkeys I will meet on my travels and feel as though now is a good a time as any to be constantly carrying my slingshot around just in case.
I should have known there was something up with donkeys from the first time I went to a farmpark called Staglands and my dad put me on top of a donkey only to be bucked off seconds later into a medium sized pile of rabbit pooh.
Anyway, screw donkeys. They can all get stuffed.




I have a riddle.
Q. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

At first I thought the answer was
A. She is married to Bernie from Weekend At Bernies and he is dead when they go out and enjoy the wonderful dinner together.




But the actual answer is
A . The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it and hung it up to dry.

Which I think is a reasonably boring answer.

Baths etc.

I am most certainly not ashamed to admit to being involved in what I can only describe as a 'bath renaissance' that is currently occurring in East Berlin, spearheaded by the activity of our fourth floor apartment (informally known as The Gunners Pit, in homage to Guns N Roses lifestyle during their debaucherous and poverty filled period of living together before the release of their smash hit album 'Appetite For Destruction').

Here is a picture of Gunners. (If I was one of them I pags not being Steven Adler. I will take Duff, Izzy Stradlin or Slash preferably, or Axl at a push).



But there is probably no need for me to take Axl as here is a picture of my friend The Ginger dressed as Axl standing on his verandah looking pretty weird. I recommend clicking on the image to see it at a higher resolution and closer up.



The 'renaissance' was started by Sam in mid 2010 where his daily schedule revolved around his bath at sundown, I have taken the torch from him and begun running baths on a R.B (regular basis). So far our bathing schedules have not clashed and the system seems to work in perfect harmony, mainly due to the fact our days are usually pretty free while we go through this period of being 'between jobs'.
Being in the bath is not only good for cleaning your body, BUT as an added bonus it is a really great time to
a) plot master plans, and also minor plans
b) read Carl Sagan's 'The Cosmic Connection' and learn more about the universe
c) look out the window and reflect on crap that happened on that particular day



Occasionally I have been known to fall asleep and almost drown, but life has a funny way of making sure everything works out A O.K., and I am yet to die, or even choke on the bath water. I must admit it was reasonably unpleasant when I fell asleep in the bath and woke up to a phone call from Tim in London with the water almost totally freezing and full of coke as I had spilt a can of it in the bath which I had left in my hand as I fell asleep.
But it's not a big deal. And its all worth it of course, because it is the price you pay for cleanliness, which is next to godliness as my Poppa sometimes says. However this is pretty rich coming from him as he is usually totally grubby from hanging around in the garden all day planting Clivia and resembling a gnome as he is reasonably short and curious looking.



The whole scenario is all very 80s as far as I am concerned. Baths that is. Very 80s. I associate having a bath with being at my Aunty Jill's as a child and using Fred Flintstone soap and accidentally doing a pooh in the bath and then deciding to put a Smurf figurine on the pooh a little bit like he was riding a boat. Aunty Jill was not really impressed, but either way it showed pretty good initiative for a 12 year old kid.



As I associate having a bath with the 80s, it seems only fitting that my new found love for having a bath almost every day ties in pretty well with my new found love for the 1981 Hall And Oates hit 'I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)'.
It is also nice to know that this single took out the number 1 spot on the R and B singles chart in early 1982 and Hall upon learning this wrote in his diary, "I'm the head soul brother in the U.S. Where to now?". That really is a well thought out rhetorical question in my humble opinion.

I got to thinking today that things have changed a lot around Berlin in the last month. While a lot of it is to do with the seasons and the onset of Autumn, there are some things occurring which you just can't blame on the weather.

1. I have changed my name to 'Maniac' and it seems to be slowly catching on amongst the community I am associated with, although my friend Heather has an annoying habit of referring to me as 'The Maniac', which is pretty much the most ridiculous nickname I have ever heard of.
2. Sam and I have set up mirrors in our respective rooms at the perfect angle so when our doors are open we are able to talk to each other while making eye contact without having to leave our respective beds. If either of our doors are closed, we usually just Skype one another if any issues need discussing.
3. We have been spending a lot of time with a life size stuffed White Tiger called 'Rick'.



4. The gang 'Drugs' I was in has disbanded, and also the other gang I am involved with (The Bear And Cougar Gang) is taking a small hiatus while one of the members is in Thailand smoking opium and looking for the world's hottest chilli.
5. We have started eating soup more often. The highlight has been the one Sam made on his debut soup making effort called 'Miami Eclipse'.
6. I have purchased a briefcase so I have somewhere to put all my documents. it has been very, very handy so far. I now can feel content knowing that most of my important papers and documents are all in the same place. I may however have to pop it open with a swiss army knife as I have just remembered that I didn't write the combination down on the locks and I closed it around 2 weeks ago.

There are obviously a few other things, but i feel now is probably not the right time to bring them up as I C.B.B (can't be bothered).

I will however mention that I found a website called Jeff Goldblum is watching You Poop, which is the worst news I have ever heard. I can not think of a worse scenario that could possibly occur on planet earth. I already feel uncomfortable knowing I am in the same hemisphere as Goldblum, the thought of him being able to see me do a pooh is terrifying beyond belief.
Great, I also just found out his middle name is Lynn.

Anyway, I am not going to waste anymore time worrying Goldblum today, as I should be celebrating due to Halloween.
Last night was the night before Halloween and every idiot and his dog got dressed up and went out amongst the city streets terrorising and drinking.
I was on a reasonably tight budget so put a plastic bag over the top half of my body and a coat hanger on my neck and went out as Drycleaning. It was essentially ingenious and I plan to re-enact the costume every year until I die of natural causes or am killed by a bolt of lightning (as predicted in my dream, which was probably a prophecy).



Fortunately I was escorted by Sam dressed as Audrey Hepburn, so it all worked out in the wash and we made a handsome couple.



Anyway, as it is 1:40am and I need to make sure I get my ten hours rest, it is probably a good time to stop my ranting. Also, that fat good-for-nothing pig of mine Kenny Powers is annoying me for his snack and if I don't get it out of the fridge and put it on his 'American Idol' themed dinner plate, he will probably puke on one of my prized possessions just to spite me and I C.B.B cleaning up any of his puke before sun up.



As it is essentially the texture of a buttload of Ectoplasm from the movie Ghostbusters, which in my humble opinion is totally gross.

Getting Cold and also quite poor in Berlin. But who gives a flying crap. Also, Kenny Powers meets his true nemesis, and I meet mine.

The temperature has begun to drop in the city of Berlin, and Germany in general I imagine. Because of this I have started to wear a thick Burberry jacket that I inherited from Heather's 2009 winter collection and I have fitted Kenny Powers the pig with a loose fitting white woollen vest which makes him look like a cult leader. We look like a force to be reckoned with when we scour the city streets looking for spare change and/or empty glass bottles we can trade in for money at the supermarket.

Times are becoming tougher financially in Berlin for us and because of this I have taken the advice of a strange English chap i met the other day. I think his name was either Clint or Lint, but I cant quite remember to confirm 100 per cent.
'Shoplift. Don't do it all the time or you'll get caught. Just do it MOST of the time. I've been 'ere free years now and I just don't 'ave the money anymore NOT to shoplift. A can of soup 'ere, a block of cheese there, just the bayyyyysics mate.'
'Ok,' I replied 'That sounds pretty good i suppose.'



I plan to go on my first shoplifting mission this evening but have decided to first of all write a note to Heather with instructions on how to care for Kenny Powers the pig if I am caught and thrown in jail:

Dear Heather, If you are reading this I am either still out shoplifting or possibly even worse... In jail. Please don't bother trying to come and find me as I am obviously 'done for'. But as we are friends, and if you really value my friendship, please adopt Kenny Powers the Pig as your own. I know he kind of likes you, and because you are mainly vegetarian I have no fear that you will kill him for meat when times become tougher. Please look after him, and if you get the chance please take him here for New Years
http://www.tropical-islands.de/en/visitors/shows/new-years-eve-2010.html
As that is where I kept telling him I was going to take him and where I predicted to meet the woman of my dreams AKA his surrogate mother.
I have left a buttload of Nutri Grains in the cupboard so don't complain about how I am not providing for him.
If you are reading this and I make it home tonight without getting locked up, please don't get 'up in my grill' about shoplifting. It is a life choice I have made to try and provide for kenny powers and I
Kind Regards
Reuben P. Bonner AKA Reubo-Cop
p.s Thank you for the left over Chilli Con Carne last night, it was totally delicious.
p.p.s Have you seen where my favourite tea towel is? I prefer to not do the dishes unless I have that particular tea towel on hand. I hope you understand.

As Rik Ocasek (lead singer of The Cars) once said: People are strange. We're all morticians. Hey, what's on TV?
Here he is looking totally awesome, and a bit like Sam.



Anyway, I think the saying is relevant in this instance.
Tomorrow Kenny Powers and I will move out of our lovely digs at Heather's and move into the sordid den that will be the song writing hub of An Emerald City. Sam and Rob and I (and Rob's GF Meg) will move into the 'Guns'N'Roses' sloth pit to save money and spend as much time together finishing writing our second album, which is essentially a concept album about travelling to Mars and also the fourth dimension.
I will be living in a room with a single mattress and a sleeping bag and Kenny Powers' basket in the corner. Times will be tough, and no doubt my room will look like a junkies cave but I don't really give a flying crap as life is reasonably enjoyable and it is not as debaucherous as you might think.



When Guns'N'Roses were living together in the band practise room before they 'made it', it was so sordid that once Izzy Stradlin was making sex to some woman and accidentally came on Slash's leg. I don't think that will ever happen with Sam and Rob and I. But even if it does, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. The rule with our new house is that you can't visit unless you have read Slash's autobiography. That way we will be able to concentrate on our music, and also only have guests who have their priorities right in life, and are obviously well read.

Speaking of educated people, I met my ultimate nemesis in Gorlitzer Park earlier today when Kenny Powers and I were walking through it on our way to the daily 3pm half price bakery sale on Oppelnerstrasse.
I spied him from at least 200 metres away, as did Powers. Not only did he have slicked back hair, a matching tracksuit, and was reading Max and Moritz comics on the bench, he also had beside him a small yet sinister looking Bentheim Black Pied pig. A very rare German breed with large stupid looking ears.

I noticed Kenny Powers the pig's bristles stiffen as if he had immediately sensed a new kind of evil.
I knew that something was not quite right with this pair of bench dwellers so I decided we should make a wide arc away from them so as to not have to make I.E.C (immediate eye contact).
Luckily for us we ran into the frisbee guy who hangs around in Gorlitzer Park every day throwing the frisbee to whomever is willing. We stopped to talk, as I felt he may have the lowdown on my new enemy.

'Who the hell is that guy up there with the pig?' I asked with venom in my voice.
''It's Dani Klar,' Frisbee man replied 'He is a computer programmer from Kreuzberg. And that's his pig: 'Kraftwerk'.'
'Damn it. That is such a good name for a German pig. It appears he will make a worthy enemy,' I muttered.
'What did you say?' the Frisbee man asked.
'Nothing,' I replied as I stared towards Klar and Kraftwerk.
It appeared he had noticed us also as had strategically put his German comic book down so he could stare across the park at us chatting with Frisbee Man.
'The hell is he looking at,' I muttered again, 'If I was in New Zealand right now I would yell out to him and say 'Have you got an eye problem?'. That is a typical thing New Zealanders say to people who stare,' Kenny Powers snuffled as if in agreement and locked eyes with Kraftwerk to let him know that we meant business, and if war for territory is what they wanted, it is what they would get.
The Frisbee Man continued,
'You really have no cause to try and start any kind of tension with Dani. He's a harmless character and in fact, quite a recluse. I believe he experienced a semi-traumatic childhood due to a strange physical defect. When he was younger his penis was connected to his scrotum by an extra flap of skin that shouldn't have been there, causing him an acute amount of pain and discomfort. It wasn't until he was operated on when he was 11 that the penis was actually seperated from his testicles, and until that point his equipment was all one one 'entity''



I paused for around a minute without looking at the Frisbee Man before even considering my reply. The content of the Frisbee Man's story really had startled me, and I actually felt like I had been hit by a medium-powered bolt of lightning.
I was baffled, not only with my new nemesis' situation, but more so with another question:
'How do you actually know all this information about that guys balls and dick?' I turned and asked the Frisbee Man screwing my face up in ultimate confusion.
'I just know a thing or two about a thing or two,' he replied as he nonchalently walked off spinning the frisbee on his finger.
I literally felt sick. And couldn't believe that some guy who threw a frisbee around in the park knew so much about another random characters dick and balls who just happened to be sitting around in the same park.
I stared after the Frisbee man, perturbed for a couple of minutes before I turned back to eyeball my new nemesis.
I knew that I had to take him seriously as he was obviously smart and slightly disturbed. I had already thought of a worthy nemesis name, from here on in, Dani Klar would be known by my allies and I as 'BallDick'. And he and Kraftwerk would rue the day that they ever crossed Kenny Powers the pig and I. Even though they had not officially crossed us yet.

JUPITER, MARS, BLUE WHALES, THE FOURTH DIMENSION, AND SOME NEWS ON MY ENEMIES

This week, as per usual, I have been exploring outer space and the universe on the Internet most days. Essentially it feels like I am back at university or at the very least doing my masters or PHD from home. I am learning so much that I refer to my time on the Internet as 'The Virtual School Of Life' and I don't feel any real guilt that I am an unemployed musician living in the Turkish quarter of Berlin with an approximate budget of around 6 New Zealand dollars per day for food and entertainment.
I also feel like a real grown up finally as I now watch approximately the same amount of documentaries as I do fantasy or sci-fi movies, so there seems to be a real 'paradigm shift' there as I transcend from adolescent to adult.
In fact only a couple of days ago I decided to watch a documentary on Blue Whales as opposed to the fantasy film Pan's Labyrinth. Although I have seen Pan's Labyrinth twice before it still showed that i am 'ready to learn'.
I have decided after watching this particular documentary that if I ever meet a professional whaler I will most certainly give them a piece of my mind. And for my Anti-Whaler Piece De Resistance I will also somehow find out which car is theirs in the parking lot and kick it in and maybe even urinate on the radiator.



If you weren't aware, Blue Whales are pretty big and therefore, apart from human beings, their main enemy are Giant Squids, the Kracken, and to a lesser extent giant sharks and/or crocodiles. It didn't exactly say this in the documentary but I took the initiative and read between the lines.
Here is a picture of the Kraken attacking. My initial thoughts are 'fuck that!'



Humans don't actually know a hell of a lot about Blue Whales and until recently they had never seen a newborn 'baby Blue' as it was unknown where Blue Whales travel to for breeding. Leading marine biologists and some other scientists with beards have since discovered that one of the breeding hotspots is a section of ocean called 'The Dome' near the coast of Costa Rica. Because they know this now, it somehow bodes well for the monitoring and well being of Blues Whales, which is actually excellent news. However if there are any whalers reading this and you think you can use that location information for a tip-off, then you need to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

Suffice to say, I am a big Blue Whale fan and it pretty much makes me want to give all whalers AIDS since the population of Blues has dropped from around 275,000 to less than 10,000 since whalers began hunting them. Making them officially an endangered species. It is good news that since whaling of blue whales was outlawed their population is slowly on the rise.

Anyway, after that total buzz-kill documentary about Blue Whales I sat on my bed thinking for about 15 minutes while I looked out the window hoping to get a peek of the TFGs (third floor gays) or the guy on the second floor who owns an Iguana to cheer me up. The whole Blue Whale debate seems like a hopeless situation and I really don't know what else to say about it.
When I looked back at my computer there was an email from Sam with an excellent 'Internet link' for me to watch, it would no doubt put me back into a good mood.
I decided to put on my blue lace woman's dressing gown and pretend I was at the cinema. I turned the lights out and the volume up quite loud. After around 3 minutes or so I was hooked.
'WHAT are you watching?' Heather asked as she came into my room for one of her frequent chats.
'A documentary by Carl Sagan about the Fourth Dimension,' I replied.
'You're weird. All you ever do is listen to that weird song about Mars and research outer space. Sam is the same.'
"Ah, It's because we are well informed. It would actually do you some good to make an effort and learn a little bit about the Fourth Dimension,'
'Ah, what even is the Fourth Dimension?' she asked, however my gut instinct was that she was not really that fussed on knowing the answer.
'I can't be bothered explaining right now. But suffice to say that is a much more advanced dimension than the first, second and third. You should just watch this documentary and spend less time working. Otherwise you'll never learn anything worthwhile. And as a side note, that weird song about Mars you are referring to is called The Case For Mars, it's by The Symphony Of Science, and it's pretty much a stroke of genius,'
'Okayyyyy,' she said. She then backed out of the room as if I had gone crazy. Sometimes I felt that her interest in outer space was a little limited, but you can't save everyone I guess.

Here is a little picture on trying to understand the fourth dimension.



I finished the documentary on a high and then emailed Sam:

Yo,
thanks for the link. The Fourth Dimension is totally great, I am pretty sure it is my new favourite dimension.
Seeya,
Reuben AKA Reubocop AKA Lightning Dog.
P.s I have found out some pretty cool things about the planet Jupiter and also the Sun today. Mainly stuff about how Jupiter is approximately 318 times the size of earth. Fact.
And the Sun has a mass of around 330,000 times that of the earth. Its totally nuts, and it just makes me think how big outer space is. It's actually pretty huge.

I didn't get a reply, but knew he was probably thinking the same thing.
My hunger had risen again so I decided to walk down the road to buy some Linsensuppe (lentil soup) from the kebab shop on the corner. It was a shame that one of my main Berlin enemies was working behind the counter when I ordered.
'The Linsensuppe Ferret' cast his beady little rodent eyes over my dressing gown with disapproval as he ladled my soup into the silver orphanage-style bowl. But I really didn't give a flying crap about what he thought, and in protest I got a coke out of the fridge, popped the lid and took a sip before paying for it, all the while making E.C (eye contact) with the L.S Ferret.
He was fast becoming my biggest Berlin enemy and I knew that I would have to watch myself in the soup queue. The logical choice would have been to find a new kebab shop to buy my linsensuppe, but then it is a well known fact that humans are supposed to keep their friends close, but their enemies closer. I then started imagining that if he truly was my enemy and I wanted to stay extremely close to him, it might be an idea to see if he was interested in moving in together. But i realised that I was being a bit extreme and didn't bother mentioning it to him.
I have great news to add!
Phil Collins has a new album out. And there is a huge billboard just down the road from my house with his extremely round head on it just to prove it!
In case you didn't realise, I am being sarcastic and consider this to be the worst news since hearing that Goldblum was not only bringing out two movies in 2010, but now starring in a prime time television show called Law And Order. Great.
Firstly, Phil Collins head is far too round.



Secondly, nobody with a head that round should ever be trusted.



Thirdly, is it absolutely necessary for him to have a picture of just his head on the cover of almost every single album he has made?












Fourthly, I will forever curse Collins and his poor drumming for being the reason that the 1985 Led Zeppelin reunion at Live Aid was a disaster. Even Jimmy Page confirmed that. Here is a picture of Jimmy Page looking totally awesome as he is the greatest



And in contrast, a picture of Phil Collins looking totally annoying as he is the worst.



So essentially, Phil Collins is one of my main enemies at the moment.
In fact, if I was stuck with Collins and Goldblum on a deserted island, I think I would throw myself off the nearest coconut tree to certain death, yelling only
'I regret nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggggggg,' as I flew towards my rocky demise.

The rise of the Bear and Cougar gang and also the arrival of my N.W.A t-shirt

this is a map of compton...


A lot has happened in recent weeks. Not only insignificant daily happenings as per usual, but also a series of life changing events that have led me further to believe in 'fate' and also 'spooky mumbo jumbo crap involving destiny' etc.
The first instance was when my N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton t-shirt finally arrived in the post from the Internet.
As some of you may know, if you are advanced on computers you are able to hack into the 'mainframe' on the Internet, enter a credit card number and somehow turn photos from the Internet into actual material objects which turn up at your house.





I would refer to it as no less than amazing and it just goes to show that computers have come a long way since they were first invented in the early 1990s. Back then I even thought it was amazing when Julian Maloney from up on Kempthorne Crescent figured out how to copy Amiga 500 games like Great Giana Sisters, Shinobi and Revenge Of The Mutant Camels onto little plastic 'discs' so I could also have copies of them.
In saying that, I wouldn't refer to him as the greatest guy who ever lived seeing as he blew up our letterbox with a bunch of 'Double Happy' fireworks when I said he wasn't allowed to come round to our house one afternoon.
I can confirm that my mum (AKA The Morning Stomper) was not impressed when she went to check the mail only to find exploded wood and some burnt Christmas cards. From then on Julian Maloney was blacklisted from visiting, which was fortuitous as it left me a whole lot more time to play computer games as opposed to listening to him talking a whole bunch of garbage for hours on end. Also having to share my afternoon tea was getting to be a pain in the neck.
My N.W.A t-shirt however:

It had taken almost two weeks worth of standing on the fourth floor balcony in Sam's pink togs (shirts off) with binoculars waiting on the postman.



The fourth floor tenants across the street made an awful lot of unnecessary eye contact in that time, and I also think 'The Third Floor Gays' (The TFG's) may have got the wrong impression from my daily wave. Either way, as the old saying goes 'a watched pot never boils' and the day I didn't go out looking for my arrival from the Internet, I came home from the pools and a parcel was on my doorstep. I looked around to see if I was being monitored by any 'web masters' before I went inside my apartment, but the coast seemed to be relatively clear, so I am pretty sure the Internet has not cottoned onto my hacking yet.
The t-shirt is magnificent, and when I have it on it really looks like I have literally just come 'straight out of Compton' or at the very least, a neighbouring South Central Los Angeles neighbourhood such as Long Beach, Crenshaw or Inglewood.



It also has boosted me up the heirachy within the gang 'Drugs' I co-founded with my friends Veronica and Toni. I am pretty much now gang leader and have quite a bit of 'respect' from my gang members and also from some of the other local gangs who hang out at the Neukolln Pools.



Veronica confirmed recently that she had also found a flick knife with a picture of Jesus on it that she would gift to me, so if that is not a sign of gang respect, I don't know what is.
Not only am I pleased that the gang 'Drugs' is forging a reputation as one of the best gangs in Berlin, it has also given me the confidence to branch out in joining or creating other gangs.

After a recent trip to Poland with Sam, his parents and our mutual friend Heather, we soon realised that it was no longer a holiday, but more of a quest to form an exciting new gang. This was realised once we drove into the beach town of Dziwnowek on the Northwest coast of Poland where we were surrounded by some of lifes true 'weirds' and a stretch of ocean known as the Baltic Sea. The main road down to the beach was a suitable staging point for our quest as we came across a stall on the side of the road selling a number of stupid towels and also one particularly amazing cape.
Most of the towels had stupid pictures on them eg. a dolphin in a fresh water lake jumping in front of a rainbow OR a horse standing by itself on the beach, where realistically it should have been standing in a field OR a kitten wearing a denim hat sitting inside a sneaker...
But our mouths dropped when we saw what 'fate' had sent us to Poland for. Hanging beside all the towels was an amazing black cape with a picture of:
a) a bear
b) a tiger
c) a wolf
d) a cougar
e) a panther
f) the moon
g) some stars
h) an eclipse

Sam and I purchased a cape each immediately and took a blood oath as we formed The Bear And Cougar gang on the spot.







Heather was a bit hesitant, but was happy to document our quest with photos as we checked out the local gun shack, church, and a restaurant where I ordered a burger that looked like it had been made out of old Sloth meat. I ate only one bite before smearing the ingredients on the table in disgust, which will seem ludicrous if you are familiar with my love of burgers and essentially eating in general. Heather went back later to purchase another cape, but was not as enthused as Sam and I about wearing it out in public 24 hours a day, or more specifically, until we are 'killed by rival gangs or lightning.'

But she was extremely useful in finding a shop that sold N.W.A rings which made the trip even more worthwhile as a quest.
(here is a photo of me drunk taking a photo of my N.W.A rings to send to my gang mates from 'Drugs' to prove once and for all that I am a worthy leader of the gang)


As we left Poland to cross back over the German border it came to our attention that we still were holding some Polish Zlotys, which was the local currency. We were in a hurry as we didn't want the border authorities to realise that the Bear And Cougar Gang were about to flee the country to return to Berlin as national heroes/ freedom fighters of great renown. We did however have to spend the Zlotys we had so Sam and Heather purchased vodka while I purchased a giant rug with a wolf on it. Which I hung on my bedroom wall when I got home.
(here is a pic of the Bear And Cougar Gang admiring the Wolf blanket)




It was also great to find out recently that the actor Nicholas Cage ate magic mushrooms with his cat 'Lewis' and hallucinated that they were brothers.
I have never taken magic mushrooms with a cat before, but if the situation came up I assume 'Lewis' would be a suitably named cat to do it with.