I'm Seriously Thinking Of Getting A Pig.

Hi Kenny Powers (and others)

I have recently gained information that David Hasselhoff's popularity
in Germany is grossly overexaggerated.I found this slightly depressing
but I am not dwelling on it. I think I was made to feel better when my
friend borrowed a book from another friend and found a picture of
David Hasselhoff in his underwear as a bookmark. If that is not the
sign of popularity then I don't know what is. I stared at the bookmark
for a little while as he has wonderfully shaped thighs.



Anyway what news... some news, I went out for an evening the other
night in a different part of town
and by the time I had finished dinner with some German people I hardly
knew or liked I was pretty exhausted and decided on some 'me' time. I
didn't want to have to be purposefully nice to someone, or pretend I
was having a good time. All I wanted to do was get into my 'chill
zone'.
I went home immedietly and stopped via Gorlitzer park to buy some weed
off the radical and friendliest drug dealers you have ever met in your
life. That made me feel like I was their friend, however I have not
seen them since to be able to tell whether they are actually my
friends or not.
I got home, smoked the weed, got bored and decided to do something
productive. As I hadn't contacted my friend Jiz in a while I thought I
would be able to trick him into thinking I would only be contacting
him for something very important.
I wrote him an email with URGENT as the subject heading, with lots of
exclamation marks, which he hates.
In the text body I wrote: you're a gay.

I knew it would be effective.
he emailed back:

That was awesome - I've had a headache for about 5 days and suddenly it
left cause I thought something rad had happended. Eg a bomb went off in
Europe and I had 30 seconds to live

James Martin
Finance Manager
School of Medical Sciences
School of Pharmacy
The University of Auckland
Phone: xx xxxxx
Ext: xx xxxx

That was one of the highlights of the past month or so.
I have also been having a lot of trouble lately trying to remember
which relatives of mine are dead or not. I have real trouble with
Great Aunts and Uncles. When I was writing to my Poppa the other day I
had to leave out the sentence 'How is Uncle Jimmy?' because I am
pretty sure he is dead, but I am too embarrassed to ask anyone.
Actually my cousin Nina would tell me, I will ask her. I would ask my
brother but the conversation would probably go like this. R stands for
me
R: 'Hi it's me.'
'Hi'
R: 'What are you doing?'
'Nothing.'
R: 'Oh yeah. Is Uncle Jimmy alive or dead?'
'Who is Uncle Jimmy?'
R: 'Our great uncle. poppa's brother.'
'Is he the one with the stump from cutting off his finger with a chainsaw?'
R: 'No, that is Euan. Who is on the other side of the family and is
not actually even in the family but just hangs round so he can play
croquet.'
'Well who is Uncle Jimmy?'
R: 'He is the one who gives you a meat pie if you go and visit him.'
'I think he must be dead because I don't ever remember getting given a
meat pie by any old people.'
R: 'Ok well, i am not going to risk it just because you can't remember
getting a meat pie from someone. Thanks for your help thou.'
'That's ok. When are you coming home from Belgium or whatever?'
R: 'Berlin. In November.'
'Well I have taken over your old room at home, so you cant stay in there.'
R: 'ok'
'Also, bring me some DVDs if you can.'
R: 'Yeah ok.'
'Ok seeya.'
R: 'Bye'

Anyway, I am pretty sure he is dead. Which is sad. As he was (is) pretty cool.
Also, I have been thinking a lot about family, mainly the fact that so
many people have an Aunty Sue. Please let me know if you have an Aunty
Sue, please reply, it is important to me.
I was once in a room with around 11 people and of those 11, 9 people
either had an Aunty Sue or their mother was called Sue. So, all i can
say is that if you don't have an Aunty you are the exception, not the
norm.



It was pretty good the other day when I asked Sam and Felix where they
were going as they left the house and they said
'Going to move a coffin.'
I said 'Oh yeah'
I was a bit thrown off and forgot to ask them to get me a spinach
thing from the bakery. Which did not bode well for later when I was
starved. But the main thing is that they now have income, and possible
ongoing work. So they can afford to stay in Berlin. I also have
ongoing work. However not moving coffins per say.
Sam put an advert on a website saying we had a van and people to help
move crap around the city. The response was immense. Musical equipment
to be moved here, a coffin to be moved there, I almost suggested that
they get some business cards made up, however, don't want to jinx a
project in it's infancy.
On one side of the coin it was surprising for Sam and Lix to arrive to
picking up a coffin, on the other it would be quite a surprise for
someone who calls up an advertised number for moving people-and lo and
behold i bet they never guessed the two 'movers' turn out to be a 6
foot lanky guy wearing a beret and looking like he could be a dior
homme model, and a five foot eight part asian classical violinist in a
velvet jacket. hmmm. now whats weird about that again?
In other news I think Felix, AKA Lix 'Lickety Splitz' Lun may have
found a potential guitarist for Star Control, his power metal side
project band. But I dont have any further details. I do have details
on what not to do if you are booking gigs in France thou. Basically if
you ever trying to book shows in France and you get given someone's
email address whose name is Pascal, do not immedietly assume that they
are a girl, and definately dont say something like 'hope you ladies
can help us!'
Because you will most probably get a reply like this:

hi Reuben,
You are way too late to find shows in September over here
By the way, I am not a lady.
take care, Pascal

I wanted to respond by saying, and I quote

Dear Pascal, thanks for nothing. Yours Sincerely, R.P Bonner
p.s In New Zealand there are no guys called Pascal, are you sure you
don't have your wires crossed? Maybe you are spelling it wrong?
p.p.s Are there any shows available in October on the off chance?



Anyway, what are the odds that Sam and Felix's first job in Berlin is
to move a coffin. i find that so humourous. However I also find the
drinking game September 11 pretty good while some people are likely
get offended, which I guess is fair enough. But, some people sure do
take things pretty seriously. Sometimes you have to try and lighten
the mood. That is why cops on murder scenes use what is referred to as
'black humour'. Doctor's also do this. Everyone learns that at school
anyway.
I may as well tell you about September 11th as it is a pretty good
game if you have had a few drinks and you just want to 'chill out'.
Essentially the object of the game is to rescue the Ginger, or whoever
else, is stuck in the twin towers.
Rules of the game
1. Shirts off, no exceptions
2. Get the Ginger (or whoever, but much better with the Ginger) to lie
on the ground.
3. Get every bit of furniture or thing in the room that can be moved
(including potplants, CDs, chairs, firewood, metal etc) and put it on
top of the Ginger
4. Go into the other room and have a shot of whiskey or something
5. Get someone to stand by the stereo and put on The Rising by Bruce
Springstein. Other Springstein songs are accepted but it must be
Springstein or dont even bother playing the game in the first place.
6. When the music starts assume the role of the NYC Fire Department
and come in to the lounge from the other room
7. Get that Ginger out of there at all costs. A.A.C (At All Costs)
8. Once he is out everyone embraces. The best thing then is to keep
the mood light by doing something classic like betting the Ginger that
he cant squeeze himself into the fridge.and then when he takes the
bait and actually squeezes in there, close the door and spin the
fridge around so the door is jammed up against the wall. This will
teach the Ginger a lesson for being a cheeky little Ginger.
9. Muck around for a couple more hours and then do another round of Sept 11th.
Anyway, when in Rome.

I have still not really done much sightseeing in Berlin. Sightseeing
to me has never been a huge interest. Except for the time I went to
the Eiffel Tower and sat at the bottom and smoked with Joe Gallagher
while my other friends climbed to the top for the view. I like views,
but find them to usually get boring after about 45 seconds, and then
everyone stands around the place where the view is saying 'wow isn't
the view amazing.' I agree for the first 45 seconds. But then when
people say it after about three minutes I never nod or agree because
by that stage I am pretty bored and don't want to encourage anyone.
Also, I especially don't like the awkward part where everyone is
actually ready to leave the view but nobody wants to be the first to
say anything, because then they are the person perceived as the one to
like the view or 'nature' or whatever, the least.
A good idea to compensate this is to take some food to eat at the
view, this way, you can leave once your food is finished and there is
no question as to whether or not you haven taken in enough 'view'.
The view from the top of the Skytower in Auckland is interesting for
about 25 seconds, and I must say that the most interesting thing about
that tower is that when The Strokes came to Auckland they referred to
it as the 'space needle'. My irish friend Dave doesn't like The
Strokes but he hardly likes anything so I am not too bothered.
Another update:
I am still unemployed:
My ideal situation would be one days work per six weeks. But any more
would most probably be a pain in the neck as I am trying to enjoy
myself over here and I don't know how the hell I am supposed to do
that if I spend the whole time working. Anyway, at least I am looking
after myself via multivitamins and eating lots of fruit. In fact I am
going now to eat an apple and throw the core somewhere near the
construction workers and hope that forty or fifty wasps are attracted
to it and end up stinging the construction workers on places like the
lip, the ballbag and the ball of their hand/foot, which is essentially
the hardest place on your body to scratch an itch. And any kind of
sting after it stops hurting will always itch.
There is one construction worker I do like however. I refer to him as
'The Yodeller' or 'Yellow Singlet' this is essentially because he
yodels and also wears a yellow singlet. The other day I had been up
all night and came home pretty out-of-it, I cycled past the site on my
bike Trent and heard him yodelling. I stopped, applauded and as I
leaned against the fence I was delighted to see him puff his chest out
with pride and bellow some more. It was a good moment. The sun was
out, I was about to hit a wall after being awake for 36 hours and some
guy in a yellow singlet was yodelling at me from a construction site I
had put numerous voodoo witch curses on. It inspired me to stay awake
some more and I stumbled upstairs to my third story apartment to get a
towel so I could go swimming at Badeschiff.
Badeschiff is a public pool situated in the river Spree. Picture a
river with a pool sitting in the middle of it. And then build some
balconies, a bar, and a fake beach and then you have Badeschiff. There
are lots of hot babes, beer, and sausages there. The boys toilets reek
pretty bad of spilt urine I must say, but other than that, it's pretty
good. On approaching the pool and having the obligatory ice cold
shower for hygiene purposes I was told by the female, massively
overtanned lifeguard that unfortunately my swimming togs were not
suitable to enter. In my obnoxious state I argued with the woman for
around ten minutes. I wanted into that god damn water and after she
still didnt let me in when I told her i was the nephew of the German
Grand Chancellor I walked away very slowly with as much venom as I
could exude. Every few steps I would look back over my shoulder and
narrow my eyes at the woman hoping she would feel my gaze and it would
somehow coincidentally cause her a sprained ankle. As I mentally and
emotionally placed her at the very top of my kill list I went and got
changed into a tight pair of black undies which actually looked more
like swimming togs than my actual togs do. I think I have already
mentioned how bad the men's toilets smell, and this time was no
exception. After my quick change I returned incognito and snuck into
the water unbeknownst to the Tanned Pool Dragon. As I lurked around
the pool I realised I was leading a pretty fulfilling life at this
point in time. Part of it was because I was still kind of high but
part of it is also there is something pretty special to be said about
being submerged in tepid water while plotting someone's demise.
Especially someone as annoying as the Tanned Pool Dragon.
At one point I started imagining a hugely oversized rubber band that I
would put her in to be pulled back as far as it could go before
releasing her to be catapulted hundreds of metres away upstream into
the Spree with flailing arms and hysterical bellowing. While I was
having this thought I accidentally made eye contact with her and then
slowly slunk underwater and bounced along the bottom, just like a
hippopotamus, which is essentially, my favourite animal.

Anyway, we have decided to come home for the NZ summer to tour and
generally muck around. I am looking forward to it. We are doing lots
of cool things. If anyone has a spare room where they wouldnt mind a
helpful house guest for any period of time at all, please let me know.
I am not really too keen on moving in to a flat as I will only be home
for about four months. I am happy for any part of the country and
would love to hang round. Anyway, that is by the by.

I better go anyway, i am seriously going to kill the guy on the drill
at Ground Zero (the construction site which is around 8 metres from
where I sleep). That guy needs to seriously SHUT IT.

Love reuben

p.s I now play the drums on one of the new An Emerald City songs, and
I look pretty much exactly like Lars Ulrich from Metallica when I get
on there. My drummer name is Beats Powers, or sometimes Cowbell
Powers, but usually Beats Powers.