I am pretty annoyed with our new flatmate Helen, AKA 'Slutbeast 2000' at the moment. There are a quite a few things that annoy me about her and I constantly curse our combined decision to even let her move in to our 'boys and pigs only' apartment. The balance of the universe seems to have been totally thrown out of kilter since she came into our lives and I have even considered putting her into my Top 5 kill list, or at least putting some form of curse on her, which will be easy seeing I have access to thousands of bits of her hair she leaves lying around everywhere.
I like to refer to it as 'Gollum Straw', as I feel her hair looks like a mixture between straw and also Gollum's hair from Lord Of The Rings.
The Gollum Straw would be more than suitable to fashion a voodoo doll with if I did decide to put a curse on her and coincidentally I am getting much better at curses since my friend Jade sent me a wikipedia link on how best to do it. Anyway, I digress, here are a list of the most obvious things about Slutbeast 2000 that totally annoy me.
a) Constantly drinking my juice supply without replacing it, even my backup juice reserve which is kept in my room has been tampered with. DEATH
b) When she is locked out of the house, refusing to let us drop the keys out the window to her, but insisting on one of us coming down the stairs to let her in
c) bringing home various guys for sexathon and then proceeding to make disgusting and deep sex noises right up against my wall. And then those guys walking round our house the next morning doing things like drinking straight from our milk carton, walking around the house in a bathmat, and/or asking to borrow my laptop to check emails
d) her constant and unfounded finger pointing at Kenny Powers the pig for anything that seems to go wrong around the flat or missing from her room.
Slutbeast 2000, one of life's true jerks.
Admittedly her lipstick has gone missing after I dressed KP up as Marilyn Munroe for a photo shoot for a classic birthday card.
I had used SB2K's lipstick, a blond wig I found on the road, a white dress I made from one of Slutbeast 2000's table cloths, and also two pairs of her high heels. I also used the fan from her room too to get the effect of the dress blowing up around KP's legs to imitate the iconic Marilyn Munroe pic where she is standing over a heat grate.
I take full credit for the loss of the lipstick and will replace it, but even Slutbeast Two Thou would admit if she actually took the time to look at the photos we took, that it was totally worth it. Kenny Powers looks great and I am pretty sure that my Poppa will really like the card even though it isn't his birthday.
Slutbeast 2000 has only been living us with for one month but already it feels like several lifetimes. My conversations with her have become more and more tense even to the point of rudeness. I especially hate being cornered by her in the kitchen, where she tends to spent a lot of time looking in the fridge for stuff that isnt hers. Yesterday's conversation probably took the prize for most offensive and obnoxious I had been to her so far, but I assume if she wasn't such a total bitch all the time then I would make more of an effort to be pleasant.
'Morning,'
'Hi.' I replied looking down at my cornflakes.
'Sleep well?' she said looking in the fridge.
'Not really. Maybe you could try having sex to a guy up against the other wall tonight as opposed to the one right by my head?'
'Oh. Sorry. Timo is an old friend, we were catching up on old times'
'He is the Spanish bartender from the Fat Corner. How can he possibly be an old friend of yours if you have just got to Europe a month ago and have lived in South Africa for the whole of your life?'
'It's actually really none of your business. And by the way your pig helped himself to my dark chocolate, so if you wouldn't mind replacing it?'
'Ah my pig has a name, it's Kenny Powers and he doesn't like dark chocolate, so yes, I would mind replacing it. But while we are on the topic, you haven't per chance been in my room drinking the juice on my desk have you? It seems to have been opened and half finished?'
'I don't know what you are talking about. You probably had it when you were drunk, which could have been any night this week.'
'I wasn't drunk last night actually, I was smoking hash with Bobby Tones and talking about how much we regret you moving in here. So how about you shut it?'
'You are a totally rude fuck did you know that?'
'Yes. I did know that. But thank you for confirming. Were you aware that you are a total Slutbeast 2000 and your fingers look almost identical to uncooked pork sausages?'
She was halfway through a bite of a cold sausage at the time so as far as timing was concerned I had pretty much nailed it. Her face went purple with anger as she stormed out of the room, slammed the door and proceeded to talk loudly on her internet chat to a friend from 'J-Berg' about how much of a prick I was with no life outside of looking out the window and obsessing over a pig.
I thanked god above that Kenny Powers was out of the house in the garden practising a few jumps and did not hear her insults about his hygiene and the accusations towards him about the missing food and clothing accessories. It was then I decided that effective immedietly Slutbeast 2000 was the new number one on my Top 5 Kill List, with a bullet.
I then proceeded to collect some of her Gollum Straw from the bathroom sink as tonight I would be making a voodoo doll and working on my best curse yet, Slutbeast 2000 would rue the day she ever made false accusations about Kenny Powers, essentially the friendliest pig in the Northern Hemisphere.
Not only because he was currently my best friend in the world but because I have been hugely empathetic with people who are falsely accused since
a) I watched In The Name of the Father based on Gerry Conlon and the Guildford Four.
'I'm going out the front door with Gerry!'
And
b) because when I was four years old my friends from across the street told me I was not allowed to come and play at their house anymore because someone had scratched the word 'Bum' into their gold door knocker at the front door, and I was their mother's main suspect. I was pretty mad at the lady at this time as their house was a virtual toy wonderland with pretty much every single Transformer and He Man figurine in the world.
'that's what i'm talking about'
But I was nowhere as mad as her as I currently was at Slutbeast 2000.Who in my opinion was the world's biggest idiot. I grabbed Lix's camera and kicked her door open to take a photo of her, she turned from her computer wearing her ridiculous Janet Jackson Skype headset and pulled the fingers at me. I looked at the photo and thought 'what a total idiot'. This was going straight into my 'For Sticking On My Dartboard When I Get one' folder.
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