CLEAN UP (from a journal dated around June/july/august 2009 ish)
It was a testing day today. Very very testing. After being out last night at Berlin's infamous fetish venue the Kit Kat Club until 10:48am and gathering some precious sleep until 4pm, it was time to clean up and move out of our apartment before leaving to London the next day. We seperated the jobs between us all, including Slutbeast 2000 who decided she would be in charge of 'windowsills and miscellaneous' which I naturally thought to be a crock as I knew that she was just trying to be lazy.
Cleaning the windowsills usually takes about 4-5 minutes for the whole house and miscellaneous is just another way of saying 'hardly any of the hard stuff'. I told her that cleaning Kenny Power's area came under miscellaneous and she said that it would be a 'cold day in hell' before she even went near to 'that pig's disgusting little sty.'
I thought to myself that it was ironic that she mentioned hell because living with her was like hell on earth and also a coincidence because I sometimes referred to her behind her back as a 'Hound of Satan whose kennel was seated at the very side of the Devil himself'.
Anyway, I had only suggested she clean Kenny Power's area to wind her up as I would not in a million years let her cursed hands near my pig or any of his belongings in case she infected it with evil. Kenny Powers the pig would be mortified also if she came within a five metre radius of him, as I know he hates her probably more than I do. To keep him occupied while we were cleaning I downloaded the Jane Fonda video workout onto my computer and left it running, so he was quite content to sit there watching it while he ate his nutri grains and snuffled around.
schwing!
I was walking around in a daze and am pretty sure I was still drunk and high from some pretty strong LSD I had taken at the Kit Kat Club, so any kind of cleaning was twice as hard as usual. However to pass the time as I wiped down the kitchen surfaces I started up a song called 'I Love Cleaning' and sung it loud, long and untunefully.
'I Lo-Lo-Lo-Lo-LO LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE CLEANING. I Love It. I actually LO-HUH-UH-UH-HOVE IT.'
After a couple of minutes of singing this repeatedly I heard from Slutbeast's room 'Shut UP would you?. God you are a COCK'
I was in a pretty weird mood and her outburst inspired me to get the last banana from the kitchen, sneak up quietly and squash it against her door before putting it on the door handle.
I then went into my room and wrote a note which I slipped under her door.
'Dear Helen (AKA Slutbeast 2000), I have noticed that there is quite a bit of banana smeared against the outside of your door. I would hate for us to lose any of our deposit for not having cleaned up enough so I have tried to figure out whose job this would fall under. As I am doing kitchen, Sam is doing bathroom, Rob is doing vacuuming and mopping and Felix is doing rubbish and oven, we have unanimously decided that smeared banana comes under 'miscellaneous'. Good luck with the clean!
Kind regards
Reuben P. Bonner
To put the icing on the cake I drew a little picture of her holding a cloth and a banana and pulling the thumbs up sign. I also drew a couple of cute little devil horns popping out of her head and a barbed tail. i was pretty happy with the note and was looking forward to her reaction. Good old Slutbeast 2000, she was a good sport.
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