Mars. Star Wars. And my budding career as a poet.

A couple of tips on living in Germany
1. It appears that people in Germany do not know what it means when you say to them 'A La Peanut Butter Sandwicheeeeeeees!' And then start counting like the count from Sesame Street. So don't try that. It just goes to show that there are always going to be language barriers in this crazy world we live in.
2. It is also heavily recommended to refrain from doing the Chewbacca growl when you are in an elevator with Germans, because 9 times out of ten, they will not find it funny if you are a stranger. Standing in the corner holding a lamp. In a black singlet.
On a moving job.

Also, try learning German if you want to get a job.

Coincidentally, my work schedule has picked up markedly in the last month. I have done around two moving jobs navigating our trusty van Jim the Eagle with various items throughout the streets of Berlin. With a grand total of around 10 hours work under my belt I feel it is about time to 'update the CV'.
The money is really starting to roll in so I feel it is safe to ring my mother and tell her than gainful employment has been attained. I will call collect.

Most of my other time has been spent hanging around at the Neukolln pools in Sam's pink togs and walking up to people asking if they have any of 'the chronic' aka 'the weed' available to buy. Preferably about 5 euros worth.
Here is a picture with some guy with his head stuck in a big bag of 'the chronic'. It looks pretty cool.



I found success after running into a guy by the name of 'Killer' I had met previously at a punk bar up the road when I was playing pool.
He didn't seem the type to hang around at the pools, but man did I know I was wrong after I saw him a) swimming b) hanging out in the park by the pool and c) lining up for the high diving board. I have also lined up for the high diving board and flown off it like a wing and a prayer. it is a 10 metre drop and is pretty exhilirating. It is also good entertainment watching all the young fat kids at the pools going off it. I am going through a fat kids phase, I find them critical to the world.

While the pool has been a staple of my summer, If I am up early enough (before 1pm) it is a nice option to mix things up and go to the lake. The last time I went I borrowed Sam's medieval sword and cut the water and did quite a few good poses on a floating log for a photo shoot whiist drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette.





Although I don't look absolutely amazing in the photos as I am a bit fatter than most of my friends, it sometimes works in my favour to be a bit 'bigger', especially when people mix me up for a fat version of Mark Wahlberg, or if I am wearing all black, a slightly fat version of the singer from Metallica. It is not so cool when you get called the brunette Philip Seymour Hoffman, or the fat guy out of the magicians Penn and Teller.

The last couple of days I have not gone to the pools or the lake because I am pretty sure I have Glandular Fever or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I am extremely tired and even have slept through my 11am alarm where I wake up for two minutes to get a juice and then check on the internet to see if Jeff Goldblum has died and/or retired from acting before immediately going back to sleep until 1pm.
My friend Heather seems to think the lethargy is coming from my 'continuous series of drinking appointments', but I am sure it is something more serious. Maybe I have accidentally swallowed some poisonous berries or a small dose of Rohypnol or slow release Ketamine.

This guy looks a little bit like he has had some Ketamine also, or is in the 'K-Hole'


Since I have had time on my hands I have tried my hand at poetry and also begun researching outer space a lot. Mainly Mars, as it is the most natural planet for humans to relocate to in 2012 when the world ends, due to its similarities to earth. Eg. It has water, it has carbon, it has a 24 hour day. Essentially Mars is a world of wonders with canyons, river valleys and giant ice sheets. Not to mention the giant rift in its surface which is 5000km long and the volcano which is as wide as Arizona.
I pretty much copied that whole paragraph from a song called The Case For Mars by The Symphony Of Science AKA my new favourite band (apart from Beastwars).
The Symphony Of Science originally ripped off those words from a few scientists like Carl Sagan and Robert Zubrin and others, however since they put the words through a vocoder and set it to trippy space music I would never call it plagiarism.

Here is Mars, AKA the Red Planet, aka the Planet Mars. And as I said previously, it is pretty much a world of wonders as far as I am concerned.



As I mentioned before, I have been trying my hand at poetry, and if I don't say so myself... pretty good.



GOLDBLUM by R. P Bonner
When will you stop acting?
When will you die?
Can't you quit while you're ahead like Rick Moranis did?
He is retired from acting.
Or at the very least stop acting so patronising and only playing one character.
You were pretty good in The Fly i suppose
I felt robbed when i thought you were dead last year,
It was just some sick, twisted media hoax
But actually.... Michael Jackson was dead on the same day you were rumoured to be.
And Farrah Fawcett too... (but mainly M.J.)

THE END



It is a little bit raw, but I think that is my style.

Because I have been at home a lot more I tend to see my flatmate Heather in the lounge sometimes after I come out of the bathroom:

'Do you find it absolutely necessary to sing the Star Wars theme song every time you have a shower?' she asked me
'No. The answer is no to that question.'
'Ok, you just seem to sing it an awful lot when you are showering. The walls are pretty thin here,'
'I have never sung the Star Wars theme song in the shower in my LIFE'
'You just got out of the shower after singing it about two seconds ago,'
'INCORRECT!' I shouted with gusto 'I think you will find that is the Imperial March AKA Darth Vader's theme that I was singing which is totally different from the Star Wars main theme,'
'Ok Reuben. I should have known that. I apologise,' she said sarcastically
Ignoring the sarcasm I continued on my tirade as I felt it was my duty to try and expel some of the ignorance in this world in regard to the masterpiece that is Star Wars.
'The Imperial March is a theme that represents the totalitarian Galactic Empire as a whole, and Darth Vader specifically. More than other Star Wars themes, the March has attained an iconic status in the Western consciousness as a general "evil theme" and in the Original Trilogy, The Imperial March also represents all that is the Empire; therefore,I would almost go so far as to call it galactic anthem. Or some crap like that,'
'You're strange,' she replied
'I may be strange, but at least I wouldn't be caught dead singing the faggy Star Wars main theme or even worse the Rebel Fanfare while I am in the shower, or anywhere for that matter,'
She left the room.
I also left the room, whistling The Imperial March as I simultaneously spun on my heel and flicked my towel over my back the same way Lord Vader might with his cape after he would leave a meeting with the Emperor. It felt pretty good.