Kenny Powers The Pig finds me a ten dollar note and two gays Kissing.

If there is one thing I cant be bothered doing, that is
a)exercise
and/or
b) walking up steep hills trying to eat at the same time.
That is why today when I was sitting outside a bakery eating a chicken sandwich with my pig Kenny Powers (whose name and future bloodlines I now curse), I became extremely angry when he ran away from me and decided to go up a steep hill towards the park against my will and permission.
'Where the heck are you going you stupid jerk!' I yelled after him. He halted, looked around at me and then continued to walk up the hill while still making eye contact. I saw red and shook 'The Fist Of Angst' at the air and yelled towards him 'When I catch you you're dead Kenny Powers you stupid pig!'.


I decided I had to chase after him in case he got hit by a car or kidnapped because if he did then where would I be? I will tell you: standing in the middle of the road with a dead, half-trained pig and back to square one, just as far away from winning a prestigious Guiness World Book OF Records record as I ever was.
(In case you didnt know, we are in training for this record here, which we plan to have beaten within one year.
http://www.guinnessworldrecords.com/records/natural_world/animal_extremes/highest_jump_by_a_pig.aspx )

As I released a loud angry growl of frustration I made a snap decision and refused to leave my sandwich at the bakery while I chased after that moronic pig Kenny Powers, as odds are the woman behind the counter would come by and clear the table away and think my sandwich was left as rubbish. Or worse still, devour it as her own.
I already disliked her anyway as she reminded me of my true nemesis White Hair the lunch lady from my boarding school who would always serve me a smaller portion than the people ahead of and behind me in line. Therefore I C.B.B (couldn't be bothered) asking her lookalike to watch my sandwich while i went chasing after Kenny Powers the pig up what looked like one of the steepest hills in the city. Because no doubt she would have said 'No', or something equally annoying.
This meant that I had to carry the sandwich in my hand when I was walking up the hill chasing that damn pig, and as everyone probably knows, it is pretty hard to not eat a half eaten thing when it is sitting there in your hand beckoning you every one second to stuff it in your mouth. So I had to take bites as I was dealing with puffing and walking up the hill and being tired. Also to M.M.W (make matters worse) I stubbed my toe so bad that a flap had come off just like what would happen when you were a kid in the 80's. My toe started stinging and it made me so mad how 80's a move i had just made by stubbing my toe. I may as well have contracted an 80's disease like the Mumps or the Measles at the same time and shouted at my pig an 80's saying like 'Get Stuffed!' or 'You're Such A Twit'.

It was probably the most annoyed I had been all week, but I couldn't stop biting the sandwich, and with every tired breath and chew I cursed that pig with all my body and heart and took an oath to the sky and said 'He Will Feel My Vengeance aka My Wrath'. And when I got to the top of the hill there he was, just sitting there underneath a tree in amongst a bunch of fallen leaves by a bench where two gays were kissing on the lips.



They had also strategically parked their car with the door open and radio blaring right beside their 'getting with' seat, and it was playing MGMT. As I didn't want to interrupt them it was not the best time to start yelling at Kenny Powers the pig, so I took the last bite of my sandwich while breathing heavily and picked him up and walked back down the hill. I was squeezing him a bit tighter than I usually would so a) he wouldn't run away and b) to give him slightly sore ribs as punishment for making me walk up the hill eating.
I released my grip a bit when I noticed an M&M wrapper and also a ten dollar note stuck to his hoof. That brought down my anger factor from around 9.4 to about 6.1, and it further dropped to about 3 because I realised that seeing the gays kissing had reminded me that it was the Ginger's birthday, and that every birthday he would get a kiss on the lips from his dad, and now he was 31, and still getting a kiss on the lips on his special day. I sniggered at the thought of it and said to Kenny Powers
'I will spend that ten dollars on snacks from the petrol station and as punishment you will only get 30% of what I buy as opposed to the usual 45/55 split. But I am not angry anymore which is the main thing.'
He looked up at me with one of his looks which I knew to mean either
a) 'I understand, apologies for running off'
or
b) 'When In Rome'
Either way, we were friends again. So I started drifting off and thinking about something else. If I remember correctly it was how at a party the other night I had tried to convince a bunch of people that the basketball player Magic Johnson had beaten AIDS.



Or, was no longer testing HIV Positive after being diagnosed with the virus in 1991 just before my mum and stepdad got married. Either way, i did not know enough about the facts of him beating AIDS and could not back up my argument so the people at the party thought I was probably a real moron. But screw them as they were talking about boring crud in the first place hence why I had to bring up AIDS, which is always a pretty good ice breaker.