Times are becoming tougher financially in Berlin for us and because of this I have taken the advice of a strange English chap i met the other day. I think his name was either Clint or Lint, but I cant quite remember to confirm 100 per cent.
'Shoplift. Don't do it all the time or you'll get caught. Just do it MOST of the time. I've been 'ere free years now and I just don't 'ave the money anymore NOT to shoplift. A can of soup 'ere, a block of cheese there, just the bayyyyysics mate.'
'Ok,' I replied 'That sounds pretty good i suppose.'
I plan to go on my first shoplifting mission this evening but have decided to first of all write a note to Heather with instructions on how to care for Kenny Powers the pig if I am caught and thrown in jail:
Dear Heather, If you are reading this I am either still out shoplifting or possibly even worse... In jail. Please don't bother trying to come and find me as I am obviously 'done for'. But as we are friends, and if you really value my friendship, please adopt Kenny Powers the Pig as your own. I know he kind of likes you, and because you are mainly vegetarian I have no fear that you will kill him for meat when times become tougher. Please look after him, and if you get the chance please take him here for New Years
http://www.tropical-islands.de/en/visitors/shows/new-years-eve-2010.html
As that is where I kept telling him I was going to take him and where I predicted to meet the woman of my dreams AKA his surrogate mother.
I have left a buttload of Nutri Grains in the cupboard so don't complain about how I am not providing for him.
If you are reading this and I make it home tonight without getting locked up, please don't get 'up in my grill' about shoplifting. It is a life choice I have made to try and provide for kenny powers and I
Kind Regards
Reuben P. Bonner AKA Reubo-Cop
p.s Thank you for the left over Chilli Con Carne last night, it was totally delicious.
p.p.s Have you seen where my favourite tea towel is? I prefer to not do the dishes unless I have that particular tea towel on hand. I hope you understand.
As Rik Ocasek (lead singer of The Cars) once said: People are strange. We're all morticians. Hey, what's on TV?
Here he is looking totally awesome, and a bit like Sam.
Anyway, I think the saying is relevant in this instance.
Tomorrow Kenny Powers and I will move out of our lovely digs at Heather's and move into the sordid den that will be the song writing hub of An Emerald City. Sam and Rob and I (and Rob's GF Meg) will move into the 'Guns'N'Roses' sloth pit to save money and spend as much time together finishing writing our second album, which is essentially a concept album about travelling to Mars and also the fourth dimension.
I will be living in a room with a single mattress and a sleeping bag and Kenny Powers' basket in the corner. Times will be tough, and no doubt my room will look like a junkies cave but I don't really give a flying crap as life is reasonably enjoyable and it is not as debaucherous as you might think.
When Guns'N'Roses were living together in the band practise room before they 'made it', it was so sordid that once Izzy Stradlin was making sex to some woman and accidentally came on Slash's leg. I don't think that will ever happen with Sam and Rob and I. But even if it does, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. The rule with our new house is that you can't visit unless you have read Slash's autobiography. That way we will be able to concentrate on our music, and also only have guests who have their priorities right in life, and are obviously well read.
Speaking of educated people, I met my ultimate nemesis in Gorlitzer Park earlier today when Kenny Powers and I were walking through it on our way to the daily 3pm half price bakery sale on Oppelnerstrasse.
I spied him from at least 200 metres away, as did Powers. Not only did he have slicked back hair, a matching tracksuit, and was reading Max and Moritz comics on the bench, he also had beside him a small yet sinister looking Bentheim Black Pied pig. A very rare German breed with large stupid looking ears.
I noticed Kenny Powers the pig's bristles stiffen as if he had immediately sensed a new kind of evil.
I knew that something was not quite right with this pair of bench dwellers so I decided we should make a wide arc away from them so as to not have to make I.E.C (immediate eye contact).
Luckily for us we ran into the frisbee guy who hangs around in Gorlitzer Park every day throwing the frisbee to whomever is willing. We stopped to talk, as I felt he may have the lowdown on my new enemy.
'Who the hell is that guy up there with the pig?' I asked with venom in my voice.
''It's Dani Klar,' Frisbee man replied 'He is a computer programmer from Kreuzberg. And that's his pig: 'Kraftwerk'.'
'Damn it. That is such a good name for a German pig. It appears he will make a worthy enemy,' I muttered.
'What did you say?' the Frisbee man asked.
'Nothing,' I replied as I stared towards Klar and Kraftwerk.
It appeared he had noticed us also as had strategically put his German comic book down so he could stare across the park at us chatting with Frisbee Man.
'The hell is he looking at,' I muttered again, 'If I was in New Zealand right now I would yell out to him and say 'Have you got an eye problem?'. That is a typical thing New Zealanders say to people who stare,' Kenny Powers snuffled as if in agreement and locked eyes with Kraftwerk to let him know that we meant business, and if war for territory is what they wanted, it is what they would get.
The Frisbee Man continued,
'You really have no cause to try and start any kind of tension with Dani. He's a harmless character and in fact, quite a recluse. I believe he experienced a semi-traumatic childhood due to a strange physical defect. When he was younger his penis was connected to his scrotum by an extra flap of skin that shouldn't have been there, causing him an acute amount of pain and discomfort. It wasn't until he was operated on when he was 11 that the penis was actually seperated from his testicles, and until that point his equipment was all one one 'entity''
I paused for around a minute without looking at the Frisbee Man before even considering my reply. The content of the Frisbee Man's story really had startled me, and I actually felt like I had been hit by a medium-powered bolt of lightning.
I was baffled, not only with my new nemesis' situation, but more so with another question:
'How do you actually know all this information about that guys balls and dick?' I turned and asked the Frisbee Man screwing my face up in ultimate confusion.
'I just know a thing or two about a thing or two,' he replied as he nonchalently walked off spinning the frisbee on his finger.
I literally felt sick. And couldn't believe that some guy who threw a frisbee around in the park knew so much about another random characters dick and balls who just happened to be sitting around in the same park.
I stared after the Frisbee man, perturbed for a couple of minutes before I turned back to eyeball my new nemesis.
I knew that I had to take him seriously as he was obviously smart and slightly disturbed. I had already thought of a worthy nemesis name, from here on in, Dani Klar would be known by my allies and I as 'BallDick'. And he and Kraftwerk would rue the day that they ever crossed Kenny Powers the pig and I. Even though they had not officially crossed us yet.
