'I don't know if I feel absolutely comfortable with you bringing a pig on tour,' said James Milne aka Lawrence Arabia.
'Ok that's understandable, is it a space issue or...?'
'I think there would probably be room in the back of the van with the instruments, but I guess it is more of the 'toiletting' issue. And just the fact that we are not really used to travelling with a pig,' he continued.
'I see. Well, he is pretty well trained, but maybe it would be easier if I left him with a friend in Berlin.'
"Yeah maybe it would,'
I felt a bit put out to be honest, but then realised it was for the best as Kenny Powers did not seem to be a huge fan of me dragging him along to live gigs since his hearing was damaged at the Spandau Ballet concert when we were stuck near to the speaker.
I asked my friend Heather if she minded looking after Kenny Powers the pig for a couple of days, this was immedietley after I handed her a copy of Tina Turner's 'Private Dancer' on vinyl as a gift.
It was a cunning ploy, but she said yes. So I gave her a packet of nutri grains and some written instructions on what his favourite activities were (watching the Jane Fonda workout video, sniffing around for truffles in the park and lying on the balcony in the sun on his back looking like he's dead).
'Please don't get him wet or feed him after midnight,' I told her
'Oh really, ok, why?' she sounded worried which was not really the desired effect.
'Just kidding, that's just what happened in the movie Gremlins. You weren't allowed to get the mogwai wet or feed him after midnight. Or put him in direct sunlight.'
'Oh, ok, I haven't seen Gremlins' . She didn't find the joke especially funny, which is usually the case with jokes where you have to explain the punchline.
'Oh,' I replied.
'So it doesn't matter if he gets wet then? Or eats after midnight?'
"yeah, I guess thats ok,'
We had a quick uncomfortable silence and then I left the house and went and unlocked my bike Nenneth (which is essentially Kenneth with an 'N').
I spent about five minutes thinking about how funny that Gremlins reference might have been if the person I told it to had seen the film Gremlins. Then as I hopped onto Nenneth my pants split and I slammed the handlebars and yelled out the F word. These were my only pants I had in Germany and I was about to catch a train to Hannover. Luckily I was wearing my summer trenchcoat which covered the split.
The train to Hannover was reasonably boring and as per usual I looked for a seat close to the 1st class section as it is quite common to see old men in 1st class who look like Colonel Sanders, and i didn't want to miss out.
After one hour of not seeing any sign of any Colonel lookalikes I decided to look out the window at the wind turbines. I think the bald man in 1st class appreciated this anyway as I assume he felt like I was staring at him the whole time as we made A.E.C (awkward eye contact) about thirty times. He looked a bit like Ghandi I must admit and i sat there wondering if he was thinking that i looked like The Fat Mark Wahlberg or the lion out of Wizard of Oz. Which I have been told I look like a few times.
I have also been told I look like the mutant son of Art Garfunkel and Meatloaf, but that was coming from a guy who looks like the combination of the main orc from Lord of The Rings and a first generation iPOd that has been dropped on the ground a few times. Hence why I call him 'the Orcpod' or sometimes just 'The Orc' or 'The Pod'.
I guess everyone has their own opinion on lookalikes.
Halfway through the trip a lady got on the train and sat across from me and read the paper really loudly. I had no battery left in my iPod but put the earphones in anyway and began humming, and a bit of whistling because I felt like annoying her so she would get up and go and turn the pages somewhere else at the volume of 100 decibels.
I don't remember much about the tour other than arriving in Hannover and getting lost but ending up on a street with lots of Thai 'Massage' options and also asking to borrow someone's roll on deodorant but them not being extremely comfortable lending it to me.
I also dropped a bottle of cherry juice on the ground and it smashed and cut James foot.
The other thing I remember is telling the band the aformentioned fact about looking half like meatloaf and half like art garfunkel and some one suggesting the nickname 'Meatfunkel', which I thought was pretty good.
Although, I have recently taken to wearing a cape around the city and have therefore self-titled myself as The Vigilante, even though Sam's flatmate called my cape an airplane blanket and referred to me as 'The Lard' instead.
After doing that two or three days of work as a tour manager/merchandiser/ driver/ party planner, I decided to take it easy for a month or so. As i didn't want to get 'burnt out'. So I spent a lot of time doing some critical thinking and also a slight amount of soul searching.
After some serious internal debate I have recently decided that I like the following ten things:
1. Wizards
2. Juice
3. Nunchakas
4. Olden day fighting movies eg Braveheart etc
5. Outer space
6. most fat people
7. my pig Kenny Powers
8. looking out the window and thinking
9. running along, doing a jump and then Punching the air
10. Labyrinths
I have also decided that I don't like the following 15 things
1. slaters
2. being buried alive
3. making eye contact with strangers when they are eating
4. people splashing me in the pool
5. people who are so allergic to nuts that you can't even eat peanut butter sandwiches around them
6. Goldblum
7. having a dream about something totally awesome happening to me and then waking up and realising it never happened, and most probably never will. eg, the time i found 20 million dollars at mcdonalds and also the time i dreamt i was getting married to drew barrymore and had sex with her.
8. people eating bananas around me in enclosed spaces eg a train or an elevator
9. acid rain
10. humans who look extremely similar to a particular animal
11. ovens which don't have the words 'BAKE' or 'GRILL' or 'FAN BAKE' on them, but instead, stupid little signals which are hard to actually figure out what they mean.
12. The woman from the band M People
13. Having to go to dinner at annoying people's houses when your partner makes you
14. having to change the duvet cover
15. drugs that don't work or are so intense that you have to puke or freak out for an hour before they become good
here is a picture of what would happen to a gargoyle if you didnt protect it from acid rain
There are other things to be added on both lists, but these are the ones that immediately sprung to mind.
I also remembered recently I am not a fan of bonfires when the wind seems to blow the smoke towards you wherever you go and also flick sparks at your good jumper. There are actually about 10 more things I don't really like but now is not the time to be negative (eg.people who watch the TV out the corner of their eye with their head turned to the side so it feels like they are staring directly at the side of your face)
stay tuned for a great tale about me going into a labyrinth and meeting one of life's true weirds dressed as a medievel soldier down there brandishing a bow and arrow. And my ensuing envy.
