It was a battle and a journey all rolled in to one, but mainly the adventure of a lifetime. I think I am probably the only human to have snuck a fullgrown Vietnamese Potbellied pig into the Caesar's Palace Casino and hotel complex in Las Vegas and made it out without being arrested. For that, I will pat myself on the back and give Kenny Powers the pig a bag of nuts to celebrate.
It is probably his favourite food, especially if i crush them up and put it on a human plate as opposed to them being served uncrushed in his plastic blue bowl which has 'Kenny' written on it. Quite crudely written I might add, and done in lipstick that I stole from my ex-flatmate Slutbeast 2000, whom I never really liked. But that is a story for another day. Suffice to say she was given her name as she is a total moron who needs her head read and should go and jump in loch ness and hopefully get eaten by the L.N.M.
I will just conclude by saying that Kenny Powers also never really liked Slutbeast 2000 and maybe as it is her lipstick on his bowl, maybe that is why he is not so fond of eating from it.
Anyway.
The three of us are currently stuck in a small German village called Rodenbach. With a population of approximately 12,000 and located around 20km from Frankfurt I would not call it the most happening place in the world, but it certainly does have it's benefits. We are here because our trusty van Jim The Eagle was stored here over the German winter when we were in New Zealand and it has now been committed to a repair shop to undergo treatment on around 800 Euro worth of rust damage. When the man told me
a) Jim The Eagle wouldnt be ready until tuesday (when we were supposed to be in London by)
and
b) that Jim The Eagle's repairs would cost around 800 euros to fix, I felt like kicking a hole in the wall.
But then I calmed down after about five minutes because Sam started cooking a pizza.
All the instructions on the oven here are in German and neither of us could get it to go above 60 degrees as it some stupid digital device. The pizza took around one hour and a half to cook and was pretty gross. I caught myself looking out the window while I was eating it thinking about how I wished I had a better tasting pizza, but I can't complain because as my Aunty Raech used to say 'Think of the poor little homeless kids living under London Bridge eating only old orange peels.'
We have been holed up in this village for around 4 days and are sharing a two storied family home with an amazing German/English couple and two pet rats called Punk and Ginger. One of the rats has red eyes and every time i see it i am afraid I will get hypnotised by making eye contact with it. That is the last thing I would want to happen to me at the moment, being hypnotised by some German red eyed rat, and maybe ending up in some cult or something and losing a decade of my life worshipping a rat. My parents and Kenny Powers the pig would not be impressed if that happened.
I think i can safely say that when I grow up I will definately not select a rat for my first choice of pet. Especially not one with red eyes. To be honest, I would not call myself the biggest red eyed rat enthusiast.
Apart from avoiding making eye contact with the aforementioned rat, I have also been looking out the window, doing some cooking and playing Rock Band on playstation 3. Rock Band is a game which has a guitar, a bass, drums and a microphone and you can play along to well known pop and rock songs and try and get a good score. The maximum is 100 per cent. Sam and I have spent about 16 hours in total trying to get 100 per cent on the 1970's hit Don't Fear The Reaper by The Blue Oyster Cult.
If you have not heard this song then you are a total idiot and may as well go to a hardware store and buy a stout piece of rope and finish yourself off. it is a cold hard hit and should be given to children on CD on their first day of school if their dad has not already played it to them in the car when he is driving around town picking up stuff like plywood or a hammer and has his kid along even though they probably would rather stay at home and muck around with blocks or watch cartoons.
We have decided that even if our van is ready by Tuesday, we are not leaving this house until we both get 100 per cent simultaneously on Don't Fear The Reaper. I have been playing the drums under my drumming pseudonym 'Beats Powers' and Sam has been playing guitar, but has just been going under his normal name I think.
I actually probably should not be wasting time writing about mindless crap and be downstairs practising on 'Reaper'.
It has been a very relaxing time and Kenny Powers the pig has a good sized bark yard where he will root around for truffles after we have done our daily two hour training session.
For those of you who don't know, Kenny Powers and I are going for a Guinness Book of World Records Record. What record you may ask?
Behold:
The highest jump in the world ever made by a pig is 70 cm (27.5 in) and was achieved by Kotetsu, a pot-bellied pig on 22 August 2004 at the Mokumoku Tedsukuri Farm, Mie, Japan.
We are aiming to beat that by the end of this year and then proceed to reap all benefits involved with winning a 'Guinney'. Which I can only assume is endorsements, monetary gain and obviously attention from members of the opposite sex. My plan is to send KPTP (Kenny Powers the pig) for a week at a pig farm wearing his guinness gold medal around his neck where he can relax and talk to babes about his achievement and maybe make a special connection with some lucky lady.
KPTP and I chose a life less ordinary, and we aim to realise our dreams before we are to old and withered to try any more.
If anyone is interested in helping sponsor or fund this noble cause, then send me a fax, so it is a bit more official etc.
I must admit, it was pretty funny when the nextdoor neighbour peered over the fence and saw me training KPTP to jump out of a cardboard box.
'Was machst du mit dem Schwein?'
'Sprechen Sie English?'
'Ja, I speak some English. Why are you making this pig jump from out of this cardboard?'
'Because I will eat the pig'
'What?'
'I will eat the pig'
'I don't understand i'm sorry'
'I will eat the pig if he doesn't jump out of the box.'
Then the neighbour slowly backed away from the fence into his house, looking from me over to KPTP and back. He left us alone. Mission accomplished.
Sam just tried to run a bath, but the water wasn't hot enough Which reminds me, did everyone's mum used to say:
'You kids can just use the bath water after I'm finished in there?'
I hope so.
This is me in Las Vegas in a bath with James. We bath had a flannel each just in case you were wondering if there were dicks everywhere.
