I had been back in Berlin for two days lying around in bed relaxing, listening to Serge Gainsbourg, and researching Minotaurs on the internet when there was another tsunami warning back in New Zealand. I didn't really know how to take it as usually when New Zealand receives a tsunami warning our local beach at Mission Bay, Auckland (New Zealand, The World, The Solar System, The Milky Way, beyond the Milky Way, The Greater Cosmos The Universe, Infinity) will get a 20cm wave headed towards it at a rate of around 1 knot per decade. Everyone is encouraged to stay very clear of boats and beaches alike, just on the off chance one day there actually will be a real tsunami; one that could bestow destruction etc on Auckland City. Either way, I was in Europe and how the hell was I going to be able to tell when and what was going to happen. Naturally I wanted my family to be safe so I emailed my brother and told him to get the hell away from the coast or I would kill him.
He emailed back saying
'You are not the boss of me fatty. P.S. Don't forget to bring me back some DVDs from Berlin and don't forget that I have now got the big room so when you come back to stay you have to go in the little room, but there is a tv in there and you can use my old nintendo Game cube. I have sold most of the games on Trademe but Tiger Woods golf is still there. By the way, I will beat you at that game any day of the week. And also Mum said to tell you that we are well away from the coast but between you and I, I am thinking about sneaking out of the house and then texting her to say 'Hey, just gone down to Mission Bay to play hackey with some mates, be home later'. She would go ballistic and I could sneak back inside and film it on my phone and put it on youtube under 'Tsunami Warning turns old woman into crazed maniac'. See ya. P.P.S How is that pig of yours? Does it take a shit inside or what? Mum said that you are not allowed to keep it in the house and has been looking into farm stays for you to keep it at. I don't really care either way, except if it does a shit in my room, then I will be pissed off and probably kick it in the guts. Seeya
I am pretty proud to say that my brother is actually turning into a pretty funny kid, and I had a good feeling about coming home for the summer as to the amount of pranks we could play on my mum. Life was good.
I then also emailed my crazed fanatical accountant friend Gza to tell him to go and get an ice cream at Movenpick in Mission Bay because of the impending wave, as this would be his best chance at an 'easy way out'. I was referring to an easy way out of life, as he has been talking about wanting to die since the late 90's/ early millenium period when he was working at Kelly Tarlton's Underwater World as the penguin cleaner.
He agreed via email that this tsunami was in fact the perfect opportunity to be relieved from life but that he wanted to 'go out on a high' and decided the best way to do it would be to get a machine gun and head to the beach to 'shoot bullets at the wave' with a strategy of:
a) holding the gun in one arm like rambo
b) yelling out 'You call this a storm?' at God or whomever had sent the tsunami
c) clad in camouflage undergarments and his girlfriend Anna's house slippers
d) having a back up Samarai Sword to swing towards the wave at the final seconds in case the automatic mechanism on the gun jammed due to salt in the air
The picture he painted in my head made me smile internally, as the thought of Gza swinging a Samarai sword in his undies at an impending monster wave at a deserted yet picturesque inner city beach really was a scenario that dreams were made of.
On the off chance that a catastrophic sized tsunami was avoided and the usual 20cm piddler was on its way, this picture was just as good, If not better. As I visualised the moment where he realised that the tsunami had already hit, and the look of defeat on his face as he packed up his weapons to walk back to the car, put them in the back, and go back to work. Which would no doubt involve some form of excel spreadsheets on Profit and Loss and/or quarterly reports. It really was win win to be honest. Well for me anyway.
