fighting off the pig alien from my mind.

Hello society of males of fe's.
I am writing to tell you that i have finished reading the BFG at
least. I had read it before when I was a kid about 5 times, but it is
nice to refresh. My favourite part is when the big giants chuck the
BFG around like a ball. It has inspired me to
a) write a book about giants
b) adopt an orphan (like the BFG does)
c) meet the Queen (like the BFG does)
d Have sex with the Queen
e) Have sex to a giant




I am now back in Berlin, and this email is old, but who gives a..
The.
Anyway, I got sidetracked. I arrived in Dubai ages ago. It is
seriously so flippen boiling here that I just about puked when i
walked out of the airport. And also it was at 10pm at night. Which is
not even the hottest time. I immedietly cursed the place and looked
around to try and find something classic to take my mind of the heat.
But there wasn't really anything, unless you count me muttering to
myself again. Which I have been doing quite a bit of lately. It is a
little bit like when I thought I was going crazy in 1998 and used to
tell my friends that I would go and live by the river and call myself
Old Man Bonner. I did quite a bit of muttering then actually.

Anyway, the heat. God. I am known to sweat quite a bit and have also
been referred to as 'The Sweat Pig' on a few occasions, well it was
this night that the prophecy really rang true. As I have a mutant face
with different coloured eyes, different sized nostrils and sweat
glands only working properly one one side, i usually tend to sweat on
one side of my face. Well not this time. I sweated pretty much
everywhere. By the way, Beads told me that odds are that I was a twin
in the womb and asorbed the other twin and that is why I have
different eyes and all that other crud. So, that is pretty much what I
have told everyone I have ever met who asks me about my eyes (or when
half my face goes red and half stays white when I play sports - which
is actually now never). Well when I told my eye doctor that story he
thought I was an idiot and told me that I actually have a syndrome.
But I have forgotten the name of it but it is something along the
lines of Butt-Pig eye syndrome or whatever.

Anyway, It was even too hot to smoke. But i still did, because I had
nothing to do an had already come outside and it was pretty boring.

Ra picked me up with her driver Shajeer. He has a rad Kenny Powers
haircut and very supple buttocks which suit his blue denims. But I
didn't actually figure this out that night because it was dark. I
figured it out one day when I was standing out on the road and he was
hanging round the van.
This is how i am trying to convince Felix AKA Lix Lun to grow his hair by the way



One morning I woke up in my undies only. And I was a bit freezing
because the blanket had been stolen off me. Also, my feet were
sticking over the edge of the bed and were touching a bunch of ratty
tatty power plugs which could have electrocuted me at any second. They
were the kind of plugs that any time you ever plugged something into
them you would see some form of blue spark. I have been electrocuted a
couple of times already. Once for taking a leak on an electric fence.
It had a pulse. Once Pounder was electrocuted at band practise because
of a faulty plug. We saw a blue spark shoot out the top of his head as
he threw his bass down and jumped on the bed. It was pretty funny.
Anyway, so I was awake, and in my undies and I cursed everyone in the
world because as I was thinking of my predicament and also how rubbish
my pillow was, the mosque next door started chanting through the
speakers and then a few dogs started barking. And then a loud
motorbike drove past. Pretty annoying.
At least I looked up on the wall and saw a photo of my Ra's friend
pashing her boyfriend down by the beach, and just beside that is a
photo of two dead seals hugging each other. Pretty poetic etc.

the

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9g92gdz-1g
This is one of the best scenes from one of my favourite movies ever.
Boyz In The Hood.
The reason why it is in my email because go to 3:47. The lane where
Ricky gets shot in this scene is exactly the same as the one by Ra's
house. So therefore tomorrow i am going out to get a gun or as they
call it in the hood 'getting tooled up'.

I am currently lying on Ra's friend Sophie's bed. I have not met her,
but it is quite comfortable and the sheet is very clean so I will not
complain.


Is it wrong for me to day dream about being this guy? Because I do.
Probably around 45-55 minutes a day
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjvZOh4OzBs

In Dubai, you can pretty much get any flavour of Juice you want. And
since I have been here, I have been trying all the Juices.
Here is a list of the Juices i have tried and a rating beside them.
They are packet Juices unless I say the word 'fresh' in front of them.
Just in case you didnt know, Juice is one of the things in my life
that I love.
Guava. 7.5
(Fresh) Rockmelon. 8.8
(Fresh) Mango. 9.6. This juice was so good it made me want to yell out
'Shut Your Fucking Face this is unreal.' to the waiter.
Youngberry 9
Secrets of The Valley 7
Hanepoot Grape 5.2
Ruby Red Grapefruit 3 (booooo! too sour)
(Fresh) Kiwifruit 8.9
(Fresh) Orange Juice (i am not a big fan of the saying OJ) 9.0 (some
of the best fresh orange juice around i think)
Pomegranate and Lime 8.5
Full Fruit Medley 6.7
Peach 8.8

So FYI, that is 12 diferent types of juices in about 12 days. Not bad really.

Anyway my holiday consisted of drinking juice, mucking around, and
sometimes at night I would slink down to the ocean to swim, but it was
too hot to really enjoy it. I guess you could compare it to having a
cigarette that was rolled too tight and when you inhale you would get
some smoke, but not the hit in the back of your throat.
Well going into the water in Dubai was like walking into a bowl of
soup. Except there were no carrots or bits of pea etc. Well maybe
there were but because it was nightime I couldn't see them. Plus I was
thinking about sharks. I have since looked on the internet and there
are not really many to worry about. However in neighbouring Oman there
are quite a few Tiger Sharks.
I went to Oman for about two minutes. Actually two minutes. Not five.
About two. It was a visa thing, pretty boring to talk about but also
pretty classic that everyone in the governmental organisation knows
that people drive in from Dubai to get their passports stamped to be
able to drive straight back in. There is even a bus company that take
a bus to do this exact same thing. It essentially means you can stay
in Dubai for longer. Anyway, i just reread that last paragraph.Like I
said, pretty boring.

Speaking of pretty boring. The new Harry Potter film was more boring
than I thought it was gonna be. However it has set the last film up
pretty well. Could have done with seeing a bit of Voldemort.
At first I actually really liked it and then rang my 15 year old
brother and said I really liked it and he said 'Did you?' As if I was
a bit of an idiot.
I said 'Yeah. Didn't you?'
He said 'Well actually I thought it was more boring than I thought it
would be. Didnt really see Voldemort much. But the last film will be
pretty good.'
I said 'Yeah, that's also what I think.' But was lying, then I said
'Can you put mum back on?'
He said 'You've already talked to her. Speak to Montgomery'
He passed me onto Monty my stepdad, his dad. He calls him Montgomery,
and so do I sometimes.
Anyway, when I was talking to my mum before she asked me the usual
stuff, how i was going. How my relationship was surviving the long
distance. What the time was here. And of course, her usual 'piece de
resistance': who is doing what degree at university.
 'Mum, all my friends have been finished at university for about five years.'
'Well what about Heath?'
'Yeah he finished ages ago.'
'Well what degree did he do?'
'A bachelor of human sacrifice.'
'Don't be stupid.'
'Yeah well shut it about needing to know what degree everyone in the
world has ever done.'
'Well noone ever tells me anything. Getting a bloody word out of your
brother is like getting bloody from a stone'
'Ok. Well Heath did law and now he is a lawyer in Wellington.'
'Is he going out with anyone?' That is another question she must
always know about any of my friends.
'Yes, he is engaged.'
'Who to?'
'Maria'
'Is she nice?'
'Yes, she is really nice.'
'Oh that's good. That's good. Do you think you'll marry Ra?'
'shut it mum.'

Anyway my mum started grilling me about not drinking in public in
Dubai because she had heard of some golf pro who was drinking in
public and ended up dead.
I didn't get the middle of the story or how he died as I was too busy
thinking about how my 15 year old brother had just totally smoked me
in Harry Potter lore and obviously got that movie way better than I
did.
I told my mum that I wouldnt be drinking outside. And then started
thinking how robbed I felt that Voldemort had not really featured in
that movie. And then I think my mum started asking 'How is the band
being received in Germany?'

I said 'pretty good.'

Anyway, Ra and me went swimming down at the beach just before. It was
about 5 in the evening and the water was pretty boiling but it was ok.
I think there were little bugs in the water trying to bite us. The
best bit was when she tried to do PDA on me and I karate chopped her.
If there were any Muslim people around frowning upon public affection
they would have approved of my karate chop had they seen it.
Then Ra touched a blue bottle and I think I did too, but I didnt see
it so it could have been an old condom or something. God willing.

Anyway, not much other crud to report. Am back in Berlin and me and
Felix are now sharing a room and also I just brought some chips that
taste like peanut butter but are heaps grosser

shut your trap. Goldblum lives.

God. I have just recovered my mind and emotional energy after being
away playing shows and mucking round for about ten days. It is pretty
tiring. But also reasonably classic.

At least i woke up fully clothed on sunday at 3pm with my boots on in
a hotel room I didnt even remember getting into. There were a packet
of Marlboro reds on the table and it jogged my memory that I had
stolen an almost life size figurine of a chef from outside of a hotel
the night before and traipsed through fields and marshland and stuck
it down the end of a jetty. Somehow I think my mind defined the
logical steps that:

a) me , Sam and Cathrin got dropped at the wrong hotel by festival organisers
b) to pay them back, i would steal the chef from out front of the hotel
c) i would take it through the fields as a lesson to people for not
dropping us at the wrong place
d) i would put it at the end of the jetty, but not throw it in the
lake, to show compassion.

I also ripped my pants from being too tired to climb the fence so just
taking a running jump and flying over it. I landed like a heavy bag of
vegetables. But who cares, i have no bruises.

Down by the jetty Sam and Cathrin told me it was not a good idea to
try boarding one of the yachts. I thought they were being prude
idiots. But actually when i started shaking the boat a lady came up
out of bed. So in fact on this occasion, Sam and Cathrin were correct.
That doesnt therefore mean that i am the idiot however, because the
lady who came up looked like a bit of a jerk actually. if it had have
been Ed down in the boat he probably would have come up and gone 'cool
chef'.

Anyway, all this carry on was after the Fusion Festival in Larz, Germany...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvkYUJCbJw8
.. that is a link of us playing. You can see how long Felix's (aka Lix
'Lickety SPlitz' Lun) hair is getting. He is hopefully going to grow
out a massive mullet and a mustache. He will then fulfill the
prophecy.

He has started a fictional side project called Star Control. Pretty
wicked name. Not as good as my fictional side project 'The Maoris'
however. I will be auditioning for band members sometime in the next
year. I have my eye on Big Hungry, Pounds and Jonny, however they may
be busy with their side project Jonny and the Knife Fighters. Which is
also one of the best names for a band i have heard in recent years.

I have quite a bit of news about the gigs: But i will bullet point
them so it doesnt get totally boring after one second.
a) Cardiff sucked. We were booked in a bar like the Loaded Hog. THere
were about six people there, the soundguy didnt know what he was doing
and I pretty much had bumwheeze. Seriously goes down as the most rank
gig we have ever had. We were pretty much laughing the whole time. And
we stayed with some cool people afterwards.

b) London was awesome. Catching up with old friends and having babes
dancing to our tunes and also Sam having to play a keyboard about
sixteen metres long as his had broken. It was ridiculously big and
took up quite a portion of the stage, i essentially wanted to kick it
out of the way, but didnt cos i couldnt be bothered with having to
pick it up again.

c) Leiden was the smallest room i have ever played in by at least 200
per cent. To reference a size i would say, the size of the toilets in
Mission Bay Burger King. And I am not exagerrating (f#ck i could never
spell that stupid word). If you have not been to Mission Bay Burger
King then you obviously didnt used to play hacky sack down by the
fountain so i dont even know why I am writing to you in the first
place.
Anyway, this was a fun gig. The room was packed. There were about 25
people. Heaps of Dutch people aka Schnurgens. They sound like they are
saying Schnurgen all the time. The venue was under this awesome squat
and this guy called Hgeil put his balls on our van and filmed it. It
was pretty good. Then he chased Ed with his balls etc. We have footage
of that also. I smoked heaps of weed because I felt like it. I love
the weed when I am in the Netherlands. (L.T.W)...
We stayed at this guy called Marcels house and me and Sam shared a
bed. I have a feeling that a Mick Jagger/ David Bowie episode may have
occurred, but whatever. I cant remember anything so therefore it is
not confirmed.
Leiden is pretty much one of the best places i have ever been. Heaps
of canals and weed etc.
d) Den Haag aka The Hague. Well, about 8 people, sorry, 11 people were
at our gig. But it was actually a really great night. We were staying
at this amazing old squat. Our friend Joost, who looks like Jimmy
Page, looked after us and rolled up heaps of weed. That was when we
found out MJ had died. Which sucked. There was a silver lining though,
in that we heard Goldblum had also died. When I found out that was a
hoax I felt even worse than when I had first heard that MJ had died
and knew nothing about Goldblum. So essentially the silver lining was
BULLSHIT. So Goldblum lives to fight another day. Oh well.
Anyway, then ...
e) Wassenaar, The Ambassadors Tea Party. Well we stayed in a mansion.
And we played background music at eh NZ ambassador of Netherlands
house. Me and Felix shared a room. I woke up in the middle of the
night because Lix turned the light on.
I said, 'what the hell Lix'
and he said 'there is a bat'
and i said 'what?'
and then i saw the bat flippen flying around the room like a skitzy
bird. It was a small bat but still freaked the living crud out of me
and then it flew out my window. Fuck THAT.
So anyway, we went back to sleep and had to get up at 4:40 to drive to
Fusion Festival.
f) Fusion Festival. Awesome. Heaps of hippies and weed. Cant remember
much. Was a great show and I stole a chef.

And i had some pretty strong psychedelics so if anyone from the
festival complains to anyone on this email list about the skitzy guy
from the New Zealand band demanding to be picked up with weed and
booze from the wrong hotel, then dont worry about it. It has all
smoothed over.

And tomorrow, we are going to Leipzig for a few days. Which is down
south or something. And sounds pretty good.

We have an old police van with bulletproof windows. Soooooo... yeah

greetings from earth and beyond

Classic. Between five and ten people replied to my last email saying
things like 'great email' and 'classic email' and also 'good email
man.'
F*CK YOU! and also 'thanks'.
anyway, juice over here is pretty good.
My bike Trent has another flat tire. Last time it cost me 25 to get
the tire replaced. the bike itself cost 35. I am glad i did not act as
smug as i felt when i got the bike so cheap. Because if i had then the
rest of the band would probably be thinking 'ha idiot' for having two
flat tires in one week. To be honest, i am suspecting foul play. It
would not surprise me if it was Chico from upstairs who has been
sneaking down and slashing tires. Rob and Ede and also Felix  AKA Lix
'Lickety Splitz' Lun have had flat tires. Actually so has Sam.

Chico.

Something has to be going on. I am only really just realising this
now. I know some of you think I sometimes conspiracy theorise, but
realistically, I am onto the right track this time. Which is pretty
obvious.
Chico lives upstairs. He is a composer. He looks like a combination
between Goldblum (top 5 worst actors), 

Larry David and the teacher in
Ferris Buellers Day Off who does the role call 'Bueller, Bueller, Fry,
Bueller, Fry'.

top five worst actors
1. Rick Moranis
2. Matthew Broderick
3. Bill Pullman
4. Goldblum
5. Vin Diesel

Anyway, lucky that Chico's bathroom flooded into our bathroom the
other day. That was pretty good.
He came down and slunk into our apartment, and said that if we were
out he had a key to apartment and could happily hang round for when
the plumber was here.

He is trying to nark us out to the landlord that there are quite a few
of us living here. Chico.

felix cooked some pork mince or something tonight.
but i was out and ate a kebab. berlin kebabs are actually one of the
best things about berlin.
another couple of things about berlin that i love are
a) not having to eat felixs cooking when you go out for the night. but
dont worry he actually makes some delicious stuff. Like hummous.

actually i lost my train of thought because i just remembered when i
was biking back to my house a couple of days ago and i tried to
dismount when i was pulling into the kurb outside and as i pulled my
leg over it got caught on the basket and then i freaked out and
slammed on the brakes and flipped off the front. There was about 15-18
people standing around by the bus stop and they all obviously thought
i was a massive jerk. Lucky i landed on my hip and knee and finger.

It didnt help when i was trying to get into my house and my bike kind
of got stuck etc. There was quite a bit of sniggering. It was not as
bad as the time i got my head stuck in the tube when i was in london
though. Which was definately the most embarassing thing that ever
happened to me. It was added to when i turned up to the party i ws
headed to and people said 'what are those black marks on your face?' i
didnt realise at the time but when i looked in the mirror and put two
and two together i realised it is from when the tube doors closed on
my face and marked them with the black rubber crud which is on the
inside of the doors.
But what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

All the stuff above this line i wrote when i was drunk a couple of
nights ago. Hence why it is quite aggressive, offensive and
confrontational. so i am sorry for that

It is 8:17am and there is construction happening again. I think the
best part about it is that they stop for about two hours around 10am.
What i think would be a really cool idea is maybe instead of stopping
at ten am for a couple of hours, maybe they could take those two hours
and not start until 8am rather than 6am. But that is only my very
humble opinion. Anyway, no big deal, i just looked out the window and
threw an apple core towards them and muttered a curse, so it is only a
matter of time before they get the bad juju. I can actually see a
bunch of them from my bed with white helmets on. I dream of owning a
slingshot and having very good aim.

Here are a few of the highlights of my life since i wrote to you last.
They are in order. As i find it infuriating when people make lists and
then say 'in no particular'. Why then would you make a list if it is
in no particular order? Sounds a bit Aids-ey to me. Anyway,

1. Getting dressed in womans clothes
2. Getting a flat tire on the side of the auto Bahn where we could nt
get the wheel nuts off because the tire was so fucked.
Anyway, there were trucks ripping past at around 160 km and Sam and
Rob went down the road trying to flag someone to help us. Sam was
wearing a high visibility vest and Rob was bouncing up and down
pointing to our busted wheel jack. It looked like a music video for
The Village People. No wonder nobody stopped except the Police.
The police actually couldnt help, didnt speak english and didnt have a
wheel jack that we could borrow. I  pointed at the pistol on the guys
hip and then did the action of shooting off our wheel. He didnt think
it was very classic at all. Well whatever, he looked liked Colonel
Clink.
Anyway, we ended up getting towed and werent even late for a gig we
were playing in Cologne that night. That was quite a ruly night
actually. Met some swell humans.
3. Playing two shows with the Veils in Berlin and Hamburg. and meeting
Olly and Hauke who are German booking agent team and totally looked
after us, including finding us cheap vodka and giving the band free
Neil Young tickets. We are going tonight. Which will be sweet.
4. Discovering the program The Wire.
5. Getting some new deodorant
6. Receiving a polaroid in the mail of a guy holding his unit in front
of the mirror with the words 'what a view' written on the white bit on
the polaroid. Long story, but James and I stole this photo from the
'gay box' at 92 Lincoln st. and then would hide it in each other's
rooms until the other one found it. I wondered where it had got to. I
was horrified to know that James had made the effort to send it to
Berlin wrapped in apiece of lined A4 refill in an unmarked envelope.
This is actually number 1 i have decided but cant be bothered
rejigging the list. So ignore all that crap i was talking about
particular order etc..

Anyway, i am tired and bored now. We have to look for a van today.

lots of love to you all.

PS we probably arent going to be able to go to London this weekend due
to visa issues. but will keep you posted.

pps i started a weblog aka a 'blog'  http://whateverorwhateveretc.blogspot.com/
ppps. starting the blog was my idea. Noone elses. I also figure out
heaps of rad stuff by myself like not overcooking vegetables, and
figuring out how to maek watching a movie on your laptop go full
screen by pressing APPLE '0

diggers outside my window

Hello friends. I was inspired to write a 'group email' when i woke up
at 6:46am this morning as some concrete dropped on some other
concrete. But i think the edge kinda scraped down the other edge and
made the chalk board sound x 400,000. Then a guy shouted something
which sounded like  'Pig dog death, floor hatred, love?'. So I am
pretty sure thats what he meant. My initial reaction would have been
to reply by saying 'Hey, shut it!' but before i could do anything
another guy said back to him jovially something along the lines of
'buttpower! buttpower kind!'. So, whatever.

It was a pretty good way to start the day. Not as good as nutri grain
or whatever, but pretty close. I can hear the diggers digging crap up
right now. Its a shame actually because if they werent so loud, i
probably wouldnt want to kill the guys driving them. Oh they have
stopped, and it has been replaced by a jackhammer. So that's quite
good. Almost soothing.
I just went and looked out the window and secretly pulled the fingers
at a couple of those guys.

Anyway, I am in Berlin and life of the unemployed is actually ruling
so hard that I almost want to puke. I really like
a) getting up late
b) doing what i want
c) not going to work
d) going to the kids playground and sitting in the far corner by the
swings smoking
e) riding my bike Trent around
f) getting up and looking in the fridge and seeing what you can make
from different ingredients


There are a lot more things I like about being unemployed, but those
are the ones that sprung immedietly to my head.
We have been here a month and it is probably my new favourite town. I
refused to do any sightseeing when I found out that Hitlers bunker can
not actually be seen from the road, and you would never even know it
was there. That put me off.
But there is plenty to do otherwise and everyone pretty much sits
around drinking or mucking round in the park here. There are probably
a billion or so parks in Berlin. It is a really green city which is
awesome. When you contrast that with the absolutely overpowering
amount of graffiti it is such a cool looking place. Some of the
graffiti pieces are whole sides of huge apartment blocks, it is
unbelievable stuff. My favourite one is this big spaceman that you see
out of the side of the train.

I also like the one that says 'Mike sucked me off in here' in the
toilets in a bar near our home. Although it is not as grandiose as the
spaceman.
I never thought I would use the word grandiose in context. So, pretty
much can tick that off.

Have been on a couple of adventures... the most memorable being Sam
and I's journey to Amsterdam to see Jean Michel Jarre live.

Essentially, in a nutshell, we brought some 'truffles' from a lady in
a shop who told us they were a mild form of mushrooms, ate them, found
out that they were by no means 'mild', tripped out and thought that
Jean Michel Jarre was landing a spacecraft on the stage.

The laser show and music actually blew my brains out, it was so good.
And honestly, I was hallucinating so hard like never before. It was
flippen sweet.

Then I got robbed. This guy basically reached for his back pocket
where either a knife or a gun was, or a carrot or whatever
was and robbed me for all the money in my wallet. 10 Euros, ha sucker.

It was a night of various strange and wonderful adventures which i
could go in depth into, but seeing was kind of believing. And I was so
god damn high I dont even actually know if it all happened.
I can confirm neither Sam nor I slept with a prostitute. Although we
did get some pretty good camera footage of a shop window with a
beautiful dildo display.

The band are all here now in Berlin. Rob arrived at 2am this morning
and woke us up. So odds are we are going to ask him to leave the band.

Our first gig is this friday night at a place called Tacheles. It is
like an art squat (trippy), so that will be great. Then we are headed
to Hamburg on Sunday to play with The Veils (which is so f*cking
exciting, i love that band), and then back to do the Berlin show with
them on monday..

We have a bunch of interesting stuff coming up actually, in June
headed to Cologne,London, Cardiff, a bunch of Netherlands shows and
then this great festival called Fusion Festival... We are stoked to be
playing it, it is supposed to be one of Europe's great festivals.
Hopefully I dont get electrocuted or something before that. But odds
are I might.

We are also playing a hardcore metal fest called Ieperfest in august.
Spelt with an I not an L.. but pretty classic.


hope everyone is good. Please write to me back.
And yes, even though I am unemployed, I really want to do some writing
of band bios or any copy for websites or whatever... so if anyone
needs anything like that done you can hit me up. I only want one day
of work per 6 weeks, so take it easy.
I am going now to eat an apple and throw the core somewhere near the
construction workers.

i know i have left a bunch of stuff out in this email. but whatever.

reuben p. bonner

ps. I saw a guy on the train who pretty much looked exactly like Paul
Vahry, Jonny's dad.